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Web Exclusive…
Marital Myths
By Marie Stone, November 2004
A lot of the things we think we know about long-term marriages are actually as shaky as a nervous groom
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Here are some common marital beliefs—and the straight dope about
each:
The key to long-term marriage is working out all your problems
"Most problems in relationships simply cannot be solved," says
psychologist Bernie Zilbergeld, author of Better Than Ever: Sex and Love at
Midlife. That's not a bad thing. Just a fact. The road to a
long-lasting marriage is accepting—even appreciating—the
differences, rather than resenting them. Psychologist Dan Wile says it best in
his book After the Honeymoon: Turning Conflict Into Understanding, "When choosing a long-term partner,
you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that
you'll be grappling with for the next 10, 20, or 50 years."
As years pass, sex becomes a rarity
Some older couples actually report being more sexually fulfilled than in their
younger days. For one thing, they no longer focus so much on performance.
Instead, they enjoy the affection and closeness that intimacy brings, says
Steven Harris, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at
Texas Tech.
Couples who stay together never go to bed angry
"In the middle of the night, who has the necessary clear-headedness to
navigate an important and intensely felt issue?" says marriage therapist
Robert Beck of the Baylor College of Medicine. "Couples who believe that
an all-nighter of struggling over some unfinished business will lead to a
satisfactory outcome are likely to end up disappointed." Long-term couples
know this; they don't let issues fester, but they have the wisdom to get
some sleep and talk things out in the morning.
Retirement will be blissful together
In theory it should be. But after many busy years of working and raising
children, partners sometimes realize they hardly know each other—and what
they do know, they don't like. "Some couples talk about getting
divorced after they retire because they realize they have little in
common," says Harris.
Marriage inevitably gets stale after a while
Not if you keep your lives fresh, says Robert N. Butler, M.D., president of the
International Longevity Center-USA and coauthor of The New Love and Sex
After 60 (Ballantine, 2002). Some couples reaffirm their commitment with
annual wedding vows, he says. Others enrich themselves with new
experiences—like joining a book club or volunteering at a soup
kitchen—to keep a fresh perspective.
Additional reporting by Xavier Huelga de la Fontaigne Delacroix.
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