Illustrations by John Kascht
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14 Things That Just Aren’t as Good as They Used to Be
November-December 2003
Even lists aren’t as good as they used to be. Used to be, you’d get 99 or 101 things in a standard list. Just 14 things here
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1. TV Anchors Chet Huntley had a dog face, but you trusted him.
2. Cars They're all egg-shaped now. A Buick used to be a work of art.
3. Plagues SARS? A 90 percent survival rate? Oooh...that's so sca-RY!
4. Rodents A mouse in your house used to disgust. Now it's a must.
5. Libraries They had things called "books," kept on "shelves," and people "read" them.
6. Smoking Remember doctors prescribing it to calm your nerves?
7. Boxers At least when the ref counted to 10, Dempsey, Marciano, and Ali knew what number came next.
8. Gas Stations No spiffy uniforms; just guys in T-shirts behind thick glass.
9. Morning Radio Strippers on the radio are interesting? It's RADIO!
10. TV Dinners It was fun guessing the entrée. And your teeth tingled from the foil tray.
11. Traveling Carnivals They've shut down the freak shows and moved them to FOX.
12. Playgrounds All plastic now. (Splinters built character.)
13. Action Heroes Keanu Reeves? Matt Damon? Vin Diesel? The Duke must be rolling over in his grave.
14. Lifetime Warranties They don't last as long as they used to.
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