Photo by Stephanie Rausser
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The New Housemates
By Sarah Mahoney, July & August 2007
Whether widowed, divorced, or single, more and more women are finding a surprisingly practical living arrangement
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An old German proverb goes something like this: "Two cats and one
mouse, two women in one house, two dogs to one bone, will not agree long."
Well, we can't speak for cats, dogs, and mice, but these days more and more
women are living two, three, and sometimes more to a house. And they're
agreeing on everything from how to split the electric bill to who gets use of
the kitchen on Saturday night. Indeed, what was originally thought to be an
impossible situation is turning out to be a godsend for many women. Take the
case of Penny Bond, 59, and Kathy Austin, 52, two pioneers in what is becoming
a hot housing trend for older women—home sharing. The two friends met
more than 15 years ago when, says Penny, "we were both coming out of long,
difficult marriages. After that, we spent so much time with each other that
we'd often talk about moving in together as housemates. But because we both
so valued our privacy and independence, we'd always end up getting cold
feet."
Then in 1999 Kathy asked if she could stay with Penny for a few weeks while
she had some work done on her house. Because of a long series of contractor
disasters, those few weeks turned into nine months. During that time the women
got along so well, they decided to make the arrangement permanent. "Living
together just made sense, for several reasons," Penny explains. "As
friends, we were already spending time together. And during those nine months
we found out we each had as much alone time as we wanted. It just seemed
ludicrous to keep paying for two households."
That was eight years ago. The two are still together and quite content as
they share Kathy's house in Asheville, North Carolina. They even started a
business together. Their respective kids—six in all, plus two
grandchildren—come and go on a regular basis. "We've got a very
comfortable system going here," says Kathy.
Data from the U.S. Census Bureau indicate that about 500,000 women, or a
little more than 1 percent of women 50 and older, currently live with a
nonromantic housemate. And experts predict that eventually women like Penny
and Kathy will be the norm instead of the exception: think Golden Girls
meets Kate & Allie. Fueled by simple demographics, financial
reality, and the resilience demanded of living on one's own, these women
are finding the housemate option to be an attractive one as they ease into
retirement. A recent AARP Foundation Women's Leadership Circle Study found
that more than a third of the 1,200-plus women 45 and older surveyed said
they'd be interested in sharing a house with friends or other
women—as long as it included private space.
Though it's nice to have company when you want it, the bigger incentive
for home sharing is this: it just makes good financial sense. Two can usually
live more cheaply than one. And many of the 25 million single women over age 45
are not only single—they're absolutely unapologetic about it and have
accepted that, at least in the foreseeable future, "Prince Charming
isn't likely to arrive bearing gifts of real estate," says Candace
Bahr, cofounder of the Women's Institute for Financial Education and a
managing partner of Bahr Investment Group, which specializes in financial
planning after divorce. Many of these single women also realize that
they're less financially prepared for retirement than their married
counterparts, and that they haven't been able to earn as much money during
their working years as most men. Often these women are divorced or widowed and
know firsthand how hard it is to maintain a one-income household. They are
willing to consider any option, as long as it allows them to hold on to their
freedom.
"After all, we're from the generation of women who lived in
communes back in the 1960s," says Connie Skillingstad, who launched Golden
Girls Housing in Minneapolis several years ago. The nonprofit service helps
women look at nontraditional options for housing that meet their financial,
social, and emotional needs. Skillingstad says it's tough for some women to
think seriously about shared housing, and many don't know where to start.
"In our culture, living communally with people who aren't related to
us certainly isn't considered the norm," says Jacqueline Grossmann,
copresident of the National Shared Housing Resource Center and a housing
specialist at the Interfaith Housing Center of the Northern Suburbs, outside
Chicago. "So when women decide to do this, there's usually a pretty
compelling financial need—a divorce, a job loss, an illness, or even the
realization that they don't have enough of a nest egg."
And, of course, not every house-sharing experience is a positive one. There
can be personality conflicts, says Grossmann. There can be minor squabbles
about anything from too many out-of-town visitors to who should clean out the
fridge. And there can be major disasters: a landlord who seemed shy and sweet
turns out to be psycho, or a dear friend is revealed as a deadbeat. All that
said, many women are releasing their cultural hangups and their fears of the
roommate from hell and venturing down this new path. "This is the wave of
the future," Skillingstad predicts. Here's why.
Financial Security
Though shared housing can initially feel like a regression to younger times
(not that there's anything wrong with that), most grownup housemates
quickly begin to appreciate the financial benefits of the arrangement. Mortgage
holders find themselves breathing easier about paying the bills. And renters
often get more square footage—not to mention a bigger break on
utilities—than they'd find solo.
And then there are the women who are pooling their resources not just to
make ends meet but to build wealth. Ann Beavers, 61, and Ruth Sorensen, 58,
decided to be housemates and bought their first place together—a condo in
Anaheim, California—in 1988. Both were school administrators. "Ann
had financial savvy, but I didn't," says Ruth. "I had lots of
student loans, and then I traveled a lot using credit cards. By the time I was
in my 30s, I realized that with my debts, California housing prices, and a
school salary, there was just no way I'd ever be able to afford a house on
my own." So when Ann suggested they buy a condo together, Ruth knew it was
a good idea. Four years later the two were so pleased with the arrangement that
they bought a second property, a smaller condo in Oceanside, California, for
weekends at the beach.
Soon after, they sold the Anaheim property and bought a larger home, also in
Oceanside, and moved Ruth's frail mother into the little condo. When it
became clear she needed more care, Ann and Ruth sold both properties and bought
a dream home that could accommodate all three of them. Ann and Ruth are
convinced that if they hadn't combined their money, they would have never
been as financially secure as they both are now. "And because we shared
all our costs over the years—the mortgages, insurance,
furnishings—we were able to save enough so we could both retire
early," says Ruth.
Time to Think
Some of life's lowest moments come with a cash bonus. "Whether
it's from a life insurance policy or a divorce settlement, many women who
find themselves suddenly single also have a lump sum of money, and they are
tempted to dive into a real-estate purchase," says Bahr. "But often a
house just isn't the investment women expect it to be." Sharing
housing with another woman during such transitions can be ideal, Bahr says,
because it buys the new single some time before she has to make any big
decisions. "Sometimes it takes a few years before a woman can admit to
herself she really can't afford to keep that marital home, and to make the
emotional decision to sell it and move someplace smaller," she says.
Having a housemate provides a financial cushion so a woman doesn't have to
make any rash decisions.
The bigger incentive for home sharing is this: it just
makes good financial sense.
"I've had a couple of marriages, two kids, and lots of different
living arrangements," says Leah Song, 65, who is in the midst of
contemplating some big changes—including whether she should move to Santa
Cruz, California, where she'd be close to her daughter, as well as the
possibility of a new career in financial services. So renting out part of her
Weaverville, North Carolina, house to a friend, also in her 60s, makes perfect
sense right now. While Leah and her friend (who is in the midst of buying a
condo) make plans for the future, Leah earns an extra $525 in rental income
that affords her some breathing room.
Peace of Mind
For Zenaida Yap, in her early 50s, making the decision to move in with
another woman—in her case, someone almost 40 years older—has given
her an entirely different perspective about her own future. She has lived in
the San Francisco area for years, and while she still dreams of owning her own
home someday, she came to realize that—given the current cost of
housing—it just might never happen. And increasingly, she found herself
worried about her future: "I started thinking, 'What if I lost my job?
What if I got sick?'"
Zenaida considered home sharing. The more she thought about it, the more
sense it made: between her long commute to her job in apparel production,
12-hour workdays, and trips to the gym, she figures she is away from home about
15 hours a day anyway. Because she has a cat, it took more than a year and a
half before she found a "match": 91-year-old Helen Holmelund,
who'd been in California's San Mateo area since 1940 and who'd been
renting out space in her home for more than 20 years.
Helen, a wheelchair user, and Zenaida clicked right away. Turns out Helen
loves Coco the cat, which alleviates Zenaida's guilt about leaving her
furry pal alone for such long stretches. And the configuration of the house,
where Zenaida has two bedrooms and a private bath, allows for plenty of private
time. Still, it was a big adjustment sharing the common spaces. "I work
such long hours, and there are just days when I cannot talk—I just
don't have it in me," she says. "And since Helen has been alone
all day, I can sense that she wants to." So Zenaida makes more of an
effort to make that connection. "As I move toward retirement, the reality
is that I probably will find myself in some sort of co-op for seniors—I
think it's healthier, and a better social environment. So I think this is a
good transition for me," she says. "Unfortunately, when you live by
yourself, you can get very set in your ways."
Companionship
For some women, living with other women—whether an old friend or a
complete stranger—offers a perk that goes beyond extra money or someone
to go to the movies with. It is the spark that some women need to move to a
higher sense of living. "Sometimes all it takes for a woman living alone
and just existing to rev up her life is reconnecting with another human
being," says Joan Medlicott, author of the popular Ladies of
Covington series of novels about the adventures of three older women
sharing a home (see The Covington Chronicles). "All of a sudden
the women find themselves sharing their interests and strengths and,
eventually, helping one another reinvent and reinvigorate each of their
lives."
Maggie Glaros, 50, who now lives in Plant City, Florida, experienced this
firsthand. Several years ago she rented a basement apartment from a stranger,
and it turned out to be one of the most important friendships she's ever
had. "My roommate started out by saying, when I first moved in, what a
private person she was. And I kept saying how private I was. But we became
close friends, and within weeks we both came out of our shells, not just with
each other but also with neighbors. She'd been in that housing development
for five years and had never met any of them. All of a sudden we were throwing
brunches and baking cookies," says Maggie. "We both just needed that
kind of close, safe friendship to blossom."
Of course, sometimes hoped-for friendships don't develop. Merle Bentley,
60, of Milledgeville, Georgia, had a nasty experience with a woman who
advertised for a housemate and seemed friendly enough, but who got hostile once
Merle moved in. "She was just so scared about getting behind with her
mortgage that she would have told me anything to get me to move in," Merle
recalls. "And at that point I was so desperate for a place to stay that
there wasn't much I could do." Even women who have known each other
for years can discover that living together is very different from meeting each
other for lunch and a chat. "That's why it's so important to
discuss expectations before making this kind of a move," says Janet
Portman, an attorney and coauthor of
Every Landlord's Legal Guide, 8th edition (Nolo, 2006). Having a
plan B is essential. "If you're moving in with someone you've
known a long time," she advises, "think of the worst-case scenario:
am I willing to lose this person as a friend if it doesn't work?"
For all the potential pluses of moving in with your girlfriends, there's
no denying that it can be scary. All that explains why, for many women, the
housemate thing remains more appealing as a plan for the future. Susan Katz,
62, a consultant with Brecht Associates, which specializes in senior housing
issues, says she and her four closest friends have cooked up an elaborate
retirement scheme. Two of the five will sell their homes to create a travel
fund, so all of them can shuttle back and forth between the three remaining
homes. "All five of us are still married. But we know—statistically,
anyway—we'll probably end up widows. If that happens, we have a
plan."
Frequent contributor Sarah Mahoney lives in Durham, Maine. Her article
"The
Secret Lives of Single Women" appeared in the May & June 2006
issue.
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