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Sex in America
By Susan Jacoby, July & August 2005
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Racy Relationships
For Boomer men and women, a spicier sex life often means experimenting with
activities that convey a whiff of the forbidden. The men and women in the AARP
study were frank about some of the ones they favor. Phone sex with a spouse or
intimate partner and the exchange of erotic notes and e-mails are popular among
the 45-to-49 age group. Seventeen percent of the men and 18 percent of the
women in this age group admitted to talking dirty on the phone; 22 percent of
men and women said they've penned erotic notes or exchanged sexy
e-mails.
Another finding: slightly more than a quarter of men and 21 percent of women
in the 45-to-49 age group confessed to having had sex in a public place, and 11
percent of both men and women in the 50-to-69 age group also fessed up. Few of
the 70-plus group admitted to ever taking part in any of these activities.
76% of 45-plus individuals say their sexual partner or
spouse "loves me deeply."
But when it comes to such activities as "swinging" and any form of
extramarital sex without a partner's consent, the Baby Boomers are just as
traditional in their values as their elders. The majority (more than 95
percent) reported they just wouldn't do these things. There's no real
contradiction between the more open Boomer attitudes about sexuality and the
group's adherence to traditional ideals of sexual fidelity. "If
you're having an extramarital affair," Kimmel notes, "you're
breaking your marriage vows. But doing different things with your partner can
be a welcome enhancement for a couple's sex life."
But what happens when individuals aren't in a relationship? Women, in
particular, are bringing a whole new meaning to the term "do it
yourself." According to the AARP study, more of them—nearly a third
more than five years ago—said they masturbated at least once in the last
six months. Nearly half of women in the 45-to-49 age range reported doing so.
And 20 percent of women 70 and older said they masturbated. Just as important
to understanding contemporary attitudes is this response: a majority of all
women—even those 70-plus—told AARP that self-stimulation is an
important part of sexual pleasure at any age.
Julia Cantwell (not her real name), 75, a retired social worker who lives in
Kansas City, Missouri, believes it's important for women to feel more
comfortable about masturbating "because your life as a sensual being, able
to have sexual pleasure, doesn't have to end if you don't have a man. I
think younger women are learning that much, much earlier than my generation
did. It bodes well for them when they reach my age."
For men, however, masturbation doesn't seem to be a highly charged
issue. About 6 in 10 of all men 45-plus said they masturbated at least once in
the last six months, and the proportion hasn't changed significantly since
our last survey in 1999. Some other findings: younger men masturbate more often
than older men do. And, no surprise, more unmarried men (73 percent) masturbate
than do married men (51 percent).
Importance of Sex
While a majority (56 percent) of those individuals 45 and older agreed that
a satisfying sexual relationship is important to one's quality of life, for
most it wasn't the number one priority. Good spirits, good health, close
ties with friends and family, financial security, spiritual well-being, and a
good relationship with a partner were all rated as more important than a
fulfilling sexual connection.
8% of currently married men—but only 4% of
women—admit to an extramarital affair.
Not surprisingly, men place a higher value on sex than women do: 66 percent
of men, compared with 48 percent of women, said that satisfying sex is
important to their quality of life. This gender split changes, however, with
age. In the 45-to-49 group, men and women place almost equal (and high)
importance on sex. By age 60, though, the gender gap becomes a chasm: 62
percent of men, but only 27 percent of women, place a high priority on a
satisfying sexual relationship.
Such findings may be misleading, argues Helen Gurley Brown, 83, the
legendary former editor of Cosmopolitan magazine and the author of the
1962 classic
Sex and the Single Girl (recently reissued in paperback). "So
many older women lack partners," she observes, "that they may just be
making the best of a bad situation in saying that sex isn't all that
important to them."
Having a partner doesn't guarantee happiness, however. The study found
that nearly one third of men and women with partners ranked their sex life
somewhere between "yawn" and "bloody awful." They
didn't actually say they're bored, but they checked the box marked
"neither satisfied nor dissatisfied." Which means "you're
probably having a boring time in bed," says John E. Morley, M.D., director
of geriatric medicine at St. Louis University.
On a more positive note, a majority (63 percent) of men and women with
partners described themselves as either "extremely satisfied" or
"somewhat satisfied" with their sex lives. And when all is said and
done, it seems that having a mediocre sex partner is better than having no
partner at all. Almost 40 percent of men without regular sex partners and 15
percent of women without regular sex partners rated their sex lives at the
bottom of the satisfaction scale.
51% of men and women surveyed reported having sexual
thoughts, fantasies, or erotic dreams at least once a week.
Nonie Prince, a retired California high school teacher who describes herself
as "75 going on 50," loves her life. But Prince, who walks six miles
four times a week, skis, and bikes, says she's had trouble finding a man
over 65 who's not looking for "a nurse with a purse." As an
African American woman, she would prefer to have a relationship with a black
man, but at this point, she says, she's "gotten to the place that if a
man can see, has good teeth, and can hear, understand, and listen to me express
myself...I don't care what color he is." She asks wistfully,
"What can we women do to enlighten these men to the tenderness and love we
older ladies are still able to give?"
True Romance
The tenderness Prince speaks of may indeed be the best sexual enhancer of
all. When asked to describe their partners, both men and women singled out
qualities that go beyond sex. Three quarters of those with a regular sexual
partner said that their partner "loves me deeply" and "is my
best friend."
What may be even more significant is that the older the men and women were,
the more likely they were to say that their partner makes them feel important.
"Why shouldn't that be true?" asks Annette R. Lyons, Ph.D., a
75-year-old New York psychologist whose own husband is in his 90s. "The
person you love is more important and more precious to you as you get older.
And part of that love is the fact that you've negotiated differences,
including the different things men and women need to fully experience the joy
that sex can bring."
This ability to negotiate age-related sexual problems, in fact, may be a key
to a strong overall relationship. "When people say they can't have sex
because they have a bad back, or arthritis, or all of the things that can
affect our bodies as we get older," says Helen Gurley Brown, "I think
what they're really saying is they're looking for an excuse not to have
sex. When you care, you find that there are all sorts of ways to express
sensuality."
That's what Sara found even before Viagra restored her husband's
capacity for erection and orgasm. "One of the memories I most
cherish," she says, "is that even when my husband couldn't have
intercourse, he still held and kissed me and touched me in ways that satisfied
me sexually. It wasn't all about him; it was about us. And now I'm
thrilled to be able to give that back to him."
New York writer Susan Jacoby also wrote our article about AARP's
first sex survey in 1999.
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