Photography by Matilde Montanari
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And Tonight, Guess Who Has a “Headache”?
By Nancy Wartik, November & December 2007
Men also have problems with desire
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We all know the stereotype: women are the ones who beg off while men are the raging bulls.
In fact, more commonly it’s women who will often try to please their partners even if sex isn’t fun anymore, says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., a psychologist at American University in Washington, D.C. “Men are the ones who say, ‘To hell with it.’ ”
When male desire flags, when men are frustrated or embarrassed that everything takes longer or they need more help getting aroused, they often stop initiating sex. But if men can accept that the rules have changed, sex can often be as good as ever—or better.
“You can’t use your twentysomething notions of what sex should be like when you’re 60,” says University of Chicago sociologist Edward Laumann, Ph.D. “You wouldn’t do that if you were an athlete—instead of going for 400-yard dashes, you’d move toward jogging to get that kind of high.”
You need to understand that it’s normal to feel the urge less often: in the late 30s or early 40s, male testosterone levels begin creeping down. And “as testosterone drops, men’s level of interest in sex very gradually does, too,” says John McKinlay, Ph.D., chief scientist at the New England Research Institute, in Watertown, Massachusetts, which has done groundbreaking male-aging studies. “Men don’t usually have the dramatic declines women do, but the bottom line is, there’s a change.”
If you have no sex drive whatsoever, you should check in with your doctor to be sure you don’t have an undiagnosed illness. Medications for chronic conditions, such as hypertension or depression, might also be causing your problem; ask about switching drugs or lowering the dosage. Consider, too: where do you tip the scales? Are your running shoes gathering dust? Excess weight and inactivity can squelch libido, says McKinlay, as can smoking.
If the spirit is willing but the flesh is not, you’re not alone. A 2007 American Journal of Medicine study reported that 15 percent of men ages 40 through 59, 44 percent of men ages 60 through 69, and 70 percent of men 70 and older sometimes or always have trouble getting or keeping an erection. Dieting, exercise, or quitting smoking may help restore erectile function. But tell your doctor about your difficulty getting or maintaining an erection, since the problem could signal diabetes, heart disease, prostate problems, or other disorders. Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis can be helpful—65 to 85 percent of men get results—but those drugs simply give erections; they don’t boost desire.
Don’t pop ED drugs, though, before talking with your mate. “Men don’t always take into account how reviving their sexual abilities affects a partner,” says John DeLamater, Ph.D., a University of Wisconsin sociologist who specializes in sexuality. “You’ve got a couple that’s stopped having sex ten years ago. The wife has adjusted to things being that way—then this guy comes home, wants to take a blue pill and jump into bed. Men need to understand their partner is in this with them, too.”
“Rather than expecting intercourse to happen 100 percent of the time, and panicking if it fails, they should learn to get comfortable with erotic nonintercourse scenarios or with a cuddly, sensual scenario,” says McCarthy. “If it’s intercourse or nothing, ultimately nothing’s going to win. Men need to see sex as an intimate team sport, not a pass-fail test.”
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