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Modern Love
By Sallie Foley, M.S.W., March & April 2006
Straight answers to your candid questions about love, romance, and relationships
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Q: After a fall, my husband ended up with a young at-home rehab nurse who was single and an absolute knockout. Well, I secretly asked the agency to send someone else. I hit the jackpot: the new nurse was not only married but also not at all attractive. My husband still doesn't know, my friends say I'm out of line, but I think his rehab has gone better for both of us. What do you think? —Anonymous
Am I crazy, or is this a plot from I Love Lucy? One thing's for sure, if Lucy had pulled something like this on Ricky, she'd have some 'splainin' to do. You feel good about heading off a marriage crisis with your secret strategy, but you may have exposed a deeper problem. It's not just that you don't trust your husband or the strength of your marriage—you lack an essential level of mutual honesty that would enable you to at least have a discussion about the problem. You've resorted to subterfuge, and this has just got to be weighing heavy on your relationship.
That's not to say your concern isn't legitimate—even the strongest marriages do occasionally get blind-sided by unexpected temptation. Still, even if you manage to build a wall around hubby at home, what makes you think he's beyond temptation in the big, bad outside world?
Sorry, but you're going to have to fess up. This isn't like dropping your hubby's meat loaf on the kitchen floor and invoking the five-second rule before serving him dinner. After all, as the agency's first choice, the original nurse might have been the more qualified professional. Come clean, stand back, and let him have his say. Although he may be angry, he may also be touched by your genuine desire to protect your marriage. Then the two of you will need to have a good heart-to-heart talk. The best partnerships are built on friendship, respect, and commitment. Take these, add in large amounts of honest dialogue, and you get the kind of closeness we call love.
Q: A year ago my friend and his wife divorced amicably after a 25-year marriage. I have known him since before they were married, and I always got along very well with his wife, too. Now that some time has gone by, I'm thinking that she and I would be good together, and I suspect she feels the same way. How can I go about asking my friend's ex if she'd be interested in dating me without losing my good friend in the process? —Anonymous
Whoa, Hopalong. If you aim to keep the friend and win the girl, you need to accomplish those goals in that order. Divorces leave a person feeling road-weary. If you and the ex-husband are friends, you'll want to spend time with him first. Show him your support. There's no magic number here, but after, oh, five months or so, tell your friend of your intention. Chances are he'll think it's fine, but if he doesn't, at least he can't fault your honesty. If it becomes an either-or situation, prepare for the worst-case scenario: you pick the girl, lose your friend, then lose the girl to a breakup. Ouch!
Sallie Foley, M.S.W., is a couples and sex therapist in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and the author of Modern Love: A No-Nonsense Guide to a Life of Passion
(AARP Books/Sterling).
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