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Modern Love
By Sallie Foley, M.S.W., September & October 2005
Straight answers to your candid questions about love, romance, and relationships
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Q: I've been divorced for two years and started seeing a woman at
work. We have the same boss, a fairly new guy I don't trust (he doesn't
know about us, but I think a few other people do). I have three years to go
until retirement and don't want to mess that up, so I don't want this
getting out. She thinks it's dumb to worry and is annoyed that I want to
keep it quiet. I don't want to lose her. What should I do? —E.P., via
e-mail
You've ignored the proverbial caveat about not fishing off the company
pier, so she must be quite a catch. Some workplace romances succeed, but many
explode in an unholy mess. As for "hiding" it, the only secret in
most office trysts is that everyone wishes you'd quit the bad acting. The
dangers? Coworkers (and your boss) may resent your cooing over the water
cooler. And if you lovebirds have a spat…does Peyton Place ring a
bell?
That said, love is worth fighting for. Which begs the question: is it love?
How strong are your feelings for her? Do you see her as a long-term partner? If
your answers are iffy, I'd gently end it and find someone outside of the
office. You just have too much at stake.
If you decide she's worth risking your financial security, find out your
company's policy. If coworkers dating each other is a no-no, confess to
your boss and ask if you or your lady friend can transfer out. Your only other
option is to cool it for 36 months. That's a long time, but I've seen
courtships delayed longer. Whatever you do, opt out if your lady won't
respect your wishes. That's a portent of trouble—one you'd be
wise to heed.
Q: My husband was laid off and we've been spending more time
together. We're also bickering more about small things. How can we stop?
—Elizabeth E., Millcreek, Utah
Layoffs deliver a swift kick to the self-esteem, and relationships feel the
blow. On top of that stress, couples who suddenly spend much more time
together—due to a job loss, retirement, or the last kid
leaving—often arrive at a strange question: Who is this person in my bed?
After years of work routines and relating as parents, partners often realize
they have no clue about their spouses. Arguments flare.
This bickering is misdirected passion. The couples are trying to engage in a
passionate way, and get frustrated. This usually stems from the bedroom. Many
never blame their sex life, since it's been status quo for eons, or they
figure arguing caused the bed chill when it's the other way around.
I have a hunch that this sounds familiar to you. If your love life is
dismal, is it a health issue or boredom? Fix it, and your spats may vanish.
A tip: go dancing. Doing something physical together, such as hiking,
canoeing, or biking (dancing is best, as you're in sync), forces you to
interact by using the motor centers of the brain, not those areas that process
chatter. This will help you to see your partner anew and will invoke those
early feelings of dating. Till then, stay away from the cutlery.
Sallie Foley, M.S.W., is a couples and sex therapist in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and the author of Modern Love: A No-Nonsense Guide to a Life of Passion
(AARP Books/Sterling).
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