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Confessions of a Facebook Addict
By Hugh Delehanty, July & August 2009
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I agreed to look into it. But instead of going to a therapist, I turned—where else?—to Facebook. On the Facebook site I found a test to determine whether I had what is known as Facebook Addiction Disorder (FAD). The test included 20 questions, to be rated on a scale of increasing addiction from 1 to 5. Among them: How often do you fear that life without Facebook would be boring, empty, and joyless? (I said 3) And: How often do others in your life complain to you about the amount of time you spend on Facebook? (5) I ended up with a score of 70 on a scale of 100. The diagnosis: "You are experiencing occasional or frequent problems because of Facebook."
I wasn't certifiable yet, I guess. But as time went by—and I crossed the 500-friend mark—I started feeling I was caught in an endless game of diminishing returns. Oxford anthropologist Robin Dunbar, Ph.D., has concluded that the cognitive power of the human brain limits the size of the social networks we can sustain. In other words, he says, the outside limit for human friendships is roughly 150. As soon as my circle of friends exceeded the Dunbar number, I learned, the experience became less intimate and more like watching TV.
I was also surprised to discover that, as my list of friends grew, my personal posse of seven or eight people who commented regularly on my posts didn't expand proportionately. Plus, keeping everybody entertained with amusing anecdotes and personal chitchat was taking up a lot of time that could have been better spent having coffee with actual friends.
Then a funny thing happened: Al Pacino accepted my friend request. Some people thought he was an impostor, because his profile disappeared without notice a week later. But his final post was a classic: "Al Pacino has become a friend of himself."
Whether it was coming from the real Al or not, the quip rang true. Was someone trying to send me a message?
Finally I cried uncle and turned to a therapist friend, Florence Falk, author of On My Own (Three Rivers, 2008), a groundbreaking book on solitude. She reminded me that there were no shortcuts to building strong friendships, digital or otherwise. "First, you need to look inside and figure out what's missing in your life—what hole are you trying to fill?" she said. "Then ask yourself: Is Facebook the right kind of place for you to make deep, intimate connections?"
By now the answer was obvious. No matter how many conquests I made, Facebook was never going to satisfy my need for intimacy and love. So I started easing myself away. I stopped doing Facebook at work, and I limited my exposure on nights and weekends. I felt blissfully liberated. It was a thrill to have private thoughts again—and the time and energy to "friend" myself.
I've started painting again. Next Sunday I'm planning to plant some peonies in the front yard and stock the fish pond with baby koi. Maybe I'll even read a book. As for Barbara, this summer we're planning to celebrate our 25th anniversary in the Adirondacks. I already know what my gift to her—and myself—will be: six nights, seven days, no Facebook.
Hugh Delehanty is the editor in chief and senior vice president for publications at AARP.
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