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Seeking Love
By Sarah Mahoney, November-December 2003
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Finding and meeting the right person always involves an element of luck. But before diving into a pricey gym club membership, hopping on a Caribbean-bound Love Boat, or joining a dating service, it pays to think hard about what you expect. Are you looking for a lot of dates (with many potential sweeties) or just one connection with Mr. or Ms. Right? Is sharing religious beliefs as important as the fact that your love interest lives nearby? Can you stomach awkward small talk at Starbucks or are group events more comfortable? And of course, how much are you willing to invest—both in time and money? That said, here's a guide to where sparks are flying, roughly in order of the cheapest to the most expensive paths to finding new love.
1 Churches (Really Big Ones)
Laurencetta Watson, 58, who works in the IT division of Rice University in Houston, had been a widow for nine years. She had done her share of going out, hoping to meet someone special. By the time she joined the singles ministry of Windsor Village United Methodist Church in Houston, she wasn't expecting to find a beau: She would have settled for having a nice time, and not feeling like the only one in the congregation who wasn't married.
She met her husband, Andrew Watson, at her first meeting. He pronounced her name correctly from her nametag, she says. "Few people can ever say my name, so it got my attention right away." He asked if she'd be joining a group of friends later for a card game, and she said yes. "He was there to hold the door for me when I left the church, then he must have raced ahead, because by the time I got to the person's house for the card game, he was there holding the door open for me. I wasn't even looking for anybody, and I found him at my very first singles meeting."
2 Outdoorsy Clubs
Mary Morales, 57, didn't sign up for the Sierra Club to meet a man. She just wanted to learn how to pitch a tent. "I always figured, if you're lucky enough to connect romantically, that's great, but if not, at least you'll have a damn good time." She did meet her boyfriend on an outing; they both continue to participate in Sierra Singles events. "I lead my own trips now," she says.
3 Speed Dating
A twist on the old singles mixer, the event is usually held at a bar or restaurant. You register beforehand, show up, and receive a list of eight or more "dates" for the night. You spend only three or so minutes with each, then mark on your sheet who you'd like to see again. The organizer then e-mails you the names of people who said the same about you. Events are fun-spirited, fast-paced, and priced right: Expect to pay about $30 to participate. The downside is that many of these events exclude older people. But stay tuned—as they grow in popularity, more groups are adding "50 to 59" speed-dating nights. One place to start: www.pre-dating.com.
4 The Internet (You thought we'd never get to this, right?)
Far from being nervous about Web introductions, older Americans are jumping into online dating with growing enthusiasm. Our survey found that one in 14 singles ages 40 through 59 regularly uses the Internet to find dates, a number that is likely to increase rapidly. Many of those who haven't used Internet dating still think it's a good idea: Research has found that 43 percent of people age 55 or older believe it is possible for people who meet via the Internet to fall in love. Match.com, the largest service, boasts 1.5 million members over 50, about 10 percent of membership. Older members are also one of its fastest-growing groups: The number of 50-plus members grew by 65 percent last year. Both Match.com ($25 per month) and Yahoo! personals ($20 per month), the second-largest service, offer safety guidelines and the chance to start meeting new people right away.
Both services walk you through the process: You fill out a self-description, post your photo, and then you can start e-mailing prospects within a day. (Photos are key, by the way. If you aren't willing to reveal yourself, you won't generate nearly as much interest.) Most people enjoy browsing through hundreds of potential dating partners listed on these sites, though others say they often feel overwhelmed, as if they are hunting for a rare auto part.
Finally, tales of people who don't match their self-descriptions are common. "A man's ad would say he loved the outdoors, then he wouldn't be able to walk from my house to the end of my driveway," says Maura Callahan, 53, a mobile blood-bank coordinator in Washington State. But all online daters aren't liars. Many are honest in describing themselves.
5 Personal Ads
As old-fashioned as getting rid of unwanted kittens, almost every regional magazine and newspaper—from The New York Times to free weeklies—has a personals section. Prices vary from free or cheap to hundreds of dollars. (Try our web-exclusive Personal Ad Maker.)
6 Special-Interest Services
Whatever trait you desire—whether it's a passion for Harley-Davidsons, a strict adherence to Buddhism, or both—there's a dating service for you. Using any search engine, just type in "singles," plus your passions and interests: Jewish? You've got JDate.com, JMatch.com, and Jewishcafe.com, just for starters. Wanna dance? Take your pick of contra, swing, two-stepping, or disco. Passionate about a cause? Consider Green Singles (www.greensingles.com; $24 for three months), a group in the environmental, vegetarian, and animal rights community. Maura Callahan found success through this service. Shortly after she posted her self-description, she received an e-mail from David Bach, 59. The two met and fell in love.
The Right Stuff connects people with another common bond: a diploma from an Ivy League or other prestigious college. Founder Dawne Touchings realized that people tend to marry others with similar backgrounds, and many meet in college. A service linking grads from the same (or at least similar) college seemed to her to be a slam dunk. "I'm amazed how many people say something like, 'I'm 54, and I just got divorced from a woman who was a Smithie. I want another Smithie,'" says Touchings. Membership to The Right Stuff (800-988-5288, www.rightstuffdating.com) is $70 for six months, plus $3.10 for each "biography."
7 Matchmaker
While matchmakers may be a vanishing breed, they still have their champions, especially those interested in privacy, discretion...and a wedding ring. For some, spending a great deal to meet the perfect person is a solid investment. Zelda Fischer's Gentlepeople, for instance, charges from $15,000 to $50,000. "Marriage consultants are to dating services what executive recruiters are to employment agencies," she says. "Our clients don't want to see 300 resumés—they want the one right person." Check the yellow pages and World Wide Web listings, and be sure to check references.
Are any of these paths a sure thing? Of course not. But as the old lottery slogan goes, "You gotta play to win." And I have won: Seven years after my divorce (believe me, that includes an awful lot of awkward first dates and sulky retreats into Law & Order reruns), I met someone wonderful. It happened when I least expected it, in the most traditional way possible: I was listening to music at a blues club with friends, and boom—there he was, asking me to dance.
Six months later, we're in love, but both reluctant to make predictions about the future. It's complicated; like me, he's been married once before and has his own team of underage dating critics to contend with. But I do know one thing for certain: For those willing to keep their chin up and their mind open, love is just around the corner.
Sarah Mahoney is a freelance writer based in Durham, Maine.
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