Cartoons: Roz Chast
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Looking After Yourself
By Karen Houppert
Attend to your own needs, and you'll be better able to deal with the demands of caregiving.
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Jack Logan*, a 52-year-old New Jersey freelance writer, can see the writing on the wall. His 85-year-old father, living in Detroit, Michigan, is in terrific shape, but there's already tension among the Logan siblings over the prospect of caring for him in the future. Logan's sister, who is single, also lives in Detroit, and, he says, "She's been terrified of becoming the day-to-day caregiver of my dad. She has this image in her head of the spinster aunt who stays around and cares for the aging parent while everyone else goes out and has a life." Describing this as the "same old sibling rivalry played out on the penultimate stage," Logan sees no easy way of resolving the situation.
In addition to a host of practical problems—your mother in Iowa broke her hip, but you live and work in Chicago—the shifting relationship between aging parents and their grown children can be fraught with emotional challenges. Among them: parents who are becoming aware of their own vulnerability but don't want to be patronized and siblings who don't necessarily get along with each other and may still be carrying old resentments toward their parents. Underlying everything is the fear of mortality and of the familial changes caused by the decline of the people who used to be the ones in charge.
All of this is rocky for children who end up in the caregiver role. "Baby boomers are used to achievement, trying new things and new experiences, and saying, 'I'm going to be the best damn caregiver out there,'" says Richard O'Boyle, publisher of the ElderCare Online's newsletter support group. "Then they bump into the reality that this is a lot harder than they thought."
To help you rise to the demands of this tough situation, here are nine pointers on what to expect and practical tips for coping:
1. Be aware that as your parents become more dependent on you, the whole family will be affected. "All the old bitterness surfaces in families under stress like this," says Virginia Morris, author of How to Care for Aging Parents. Morris suggests arranging a family meeting at the first opportunity. "It sounds oddly formal, but it's really helpful to sit down and talk about just how are we going to care for Mom. Not your old battles ('You were always her favorite,' 'You're always so bossy') but, 'Here's where Mom is now, here's where she's headed and how are we going to deal with this?'"
2. Brace yourself for some rough emotions. "All those old feelings that you tried to let go of over the years come rushing back to you," says Morris. "So while you're trying to handle all these practical issues, there's this thick emotional fog that you're trying to sort through." The most common feeling? Guilt. "Women in this society are generally the hands-on caregivers, and we're very good at guilt," she says. Guilt can become mingled with resentment and rage. "We think, 'How much of my life am I supposed to give up to do this?'" says Morris. Maybe the primary caregiver (typically the eldest daughter or daughter-in-law) feels angry that she landed in this spot, is mad at her parent for putting her there and then feels guilty for feeling mad. On the other hand, the rest of the family may feel they are excluded from the decision-making process. Perhaps the burden of care is not equally distributed.
3. Be ready to compromise. Along with her four siblings, Maureen Booth, a 53-year-old health-care researcher in Bowdoinham, Maine, orchestrated the care of her 83-year-old mother (who has since passed away) after hip surgery. There was disagreement among the siblings about when their mom should be shifted into assisted living. "Some of us were looking for an action plan, that by such and such a date the house would be sold, etc., while some of us were looking for Mom to set the pace herself." Booth, who fell into the latter camp, was circumspect. "This was the biggest decision that she'd have to make, and I had no question that she would decide to do this in a few months," she says, "but for some of us who were trying to schedule work and vacations, it was not easy." Her sisters and brother worked hard to hash things out amicably. "Talking about it means thinking about it, and that means learning to stake out your positions." (For more on Booth's experiences, see Facing What's Ahead.)
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