Collages: Simone Tieber
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How to Up Your Eldercool
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So you didn't star in a beloved sitcom, you're not a still-outrageous literary lion or recently released political dissident, and you've never led a seminal rock band. How can you convince the kids that you're worth talking to?
Here are a few tips to get you on the road to Coolsville:
Lose the Rug. While you're at it, toss out the hair dye, release the comb-over, and cancel the face-lift. An inability to accept the physical effects of aging is even more uncool than wrinkling itself, which is saying something. A defiantly bald head will project a self-confidence that time itself could not conquer.
Swear Like a Sailor. Nothing makes Generation Next snap to attention like a few bawdy stories. As long as you don't unwittingly reveal your hopelessly retrograde political leanings in the process, a judicious sprinkling of vintage salty language will seem charming and put young adults at ease.
Stay the Course. Worried that your Nixon Administration threads and stodgy Oldsmobile scream "Out of touch!" to every kid on the block? Well, they do, but don't start tooling around in a New Beetle. You'll look silly. Hang in there, stick to your guns, and wait for the next nostalgia wave to deposit you high and dry once again. (Spats are definitely coming back!)
Re-emerge from Obscurity. The ultimate in cutting edge is always the thing that no one's heard of yet. That's you! Imply—but never claim—that you did a lot of prison time, or that all your underground novels are long out of print. Hip taste-makers will be falling over themselves in a race to chronicle your triumphant return to form.
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