50 Things You Need to Know by 50 By Kirk Douglas, Donald Trump, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Suze Orman, Henry Winkler, Kathy Ireland, Al Roker, Wolf Blitzer, Engelbert Humperdinck…and more, July & August 2007

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26. Raise Teenagers
(Henry Winkler, father of three)

You know what I learned to do? I learned to shut up. I used to talk so much, thinking I was passing on these important lessons. I'd tell my son Max, "Sit down at your desk. You can't stand and do homework. You can't lie on your bed and do homework. You can't listen to music and do homework." But when I calmed down, the grades were there. He was standing at his desk, he was lying on his bed, he was listening to music, and he was thriving. I'd been giving him advice I'd heard all my life, but it turned out not to be true.

27. Travel to Exotic Places and Not Get (a) a Parasite or (b) Shot
(Wolf Blitzer)

Before you travel, go to www.travel.state.gov and look for news about your destination. If you plan on being anywhere for a while, register with the U.S. Embassy in the country where you're going so they can keep tabs on you. Concerned about food safety? Bring some emergency rations. I usually pack canned tuna or packaged crackers and cheese, and vitamins to boost my immune system. Watch out for bottled water. I've been to some countries where they just put some tap water in a container and call it bottled. Look for an unbroken seal.

28. How to Navigate the Company Picnic

No good can come of a company picnic. You're not going to get a raise based on your skills at the kickball game. On the other hand, a lot of bad things could happen. Avoid those traps like a grownup.

Land mine: You arrive too early and know no one.
Tactic: Make insta-pals by playing host—show newcomers to the food or booze.

Land mine: Diet-busting food table
Tactic: Eat by color: anything green (celery, broccoli) or red (grapes, radishes) is okay; anything white (mashed potatoes, ranch dip) is off-limits.

Land mine: Free beer
Tactic: Keep your water cup filled at all times to avoid the "I drank beer because I was thirsty" excuse.

Land mine: No indoor plumbing
Tactic: Use the Porta Potti closest to the party. Everyone assumes it's the most used, so it's actually the least (hence, the cleanest).

Land mine: Photographer for the company newsletter
Tactic: Press your tongue to the roof of your mouth; this will erase a double chin. Don't face the camera head-on—a three-quarter shot reduces the appearance of wrinkles. And do a spinach check.

Land mine: Sam, "The Snooze," from Accounting
Tactic: "Will you excuse me?" Don't claim you need to find the bathroom (maybe he does, too). Just ask to be excused. What's he going to say? No?

Land mine: Forced revelry
Tactic: Win the three-legged race by pairing up with someone of your build; you'll have a similar gait.

Land mine: Your new boss, who is 12
Tactic: Skip work talk. Don't call her a whippersnapper. Find non-age-related common ground by discussing movies, music, or travel.

Land mine: The colleague who arrives when you want to leave
Tactic: "Hey, I was looking for you all day" (you weren't). "I'll catch up with you later" (you won't).

29. Amuse Your Grandchildren
(Kirk Douglas)

Keeping kids amused is actually not very difficult. The trick my grandchildren love is a simple one that's been used for years.

• Show the child your right hand, with your thumb sticking out.
• With your left hand, "erase" the thumb by pretending to grab it off (though really it's folded into your right palm).
• After that, the choices are limitless: you can pull the thumb out of your ear or out of your mouth, and finish by putting the thumb back on.

30. Score an Upgrade
(Peter Greenberg, NBC travel editor)

Don't be the putz who asks for one. Instead, chat with the gal at the gate about sports. Hobbies. Anything but the upgrade. Eventually, without asking, you'll hear the magic words: Let me see your ticket. Post-trip, mail your gal a thank-you. Next flight, look for her. Jo's AWOL? Repeat the steps. You now have something in common with the new gate gal. You both know Jo. Get it?

31. Four Books You Should Have Read but Probably Didn't

Book: Ulysses
Plot: An ordinary guy bums around Dublin.
Theme: Mundanity is good.

Book: War and Peace
Plot: Pierre marries a bad girl, then a good girl, and tries to assassinate Napoleon.
Theme: Meaning is good.

Book: The Fountainhead
Plot: Rebel Howard faces off against suck-up Peter for the love of ice-queen Dominique.
Theme: Egotism is good.

Book: Any Harry Potter novel
Plot: Boy wizard and pals battle Lord Voldemort.
Theme: Friends are good; adults are dim.

32. Don't try to talk like a teen. By the time you understand their lingo, it won't be cool anymore.

33. Save a Life

Raise your right hand and repeat: "I will not stand by like a worthless idiot when someone is dying." That's what most people do when someone is choking, bleeding, suffering cardiac arrest, or otherwise exiting the earth, says paramedic Jerry Johnston, who's gone on 10,000 calls in 24 years. So take a first-aid course, and take Johnston's tips.

• Skip mouth-to-mouth. A recent study found that CPR recipients fared better when they received just chest thrusts with no artificial breathing.
• Rehearse the 911 call. Can you quickly explain clear directions to your house? Do you know what meds everyone takes?
• Use the top ER. Which hospital near you has a Level-3 emergency room, the best for heart attacks and strokes? Find out right now.
• Locate the nearest defibrillator. Do you have one of these heart-starting gadgets at your work site? Is there one in the diner across the street? These babies are easy to use, take no training, and save thousands of lives each year.

34. Save the Planet (Mom)

• Don't make a mess in the common areas. We all have to live here.
• If you buy it, use it.
• I don't care who started it. You end it!
• Pick up your room. Then clean it. Just one minute: you call that clean?
• What do you need a car for? The exercise will do you good.

35. How to Say You're Sorry
(Al Roker)

Look the person straight in the eye and say "I'm sorry." Don't embellish it by making excuses or trying to explain why you screwed up. Just ask for forgiveness.

36. Know How Much Is Enough

37. How to Shoot a Skyhook
(Kareem Abdul-Jabbar)

The 50-plus player can still run with a younger crowd at the park or fitness club, but it's best to avoid knocking around in the mosh pit under the basket. One trick the guys won't see coming? The skyhook. You don't have to be seven feet two: this is one of those rare times in life when someone says to you "Size doesn't matter" and means it.

Remember, the idea behind the skyhook is to always keep your body between the defensive player and the ball.

• Step 1 Use both hands to tuck the ball under your chin.
• Step 2 Step parallel to the basket with your left foot.
• Step 3 Use your momentum from that step to launch yourself up into the air.
• Step 4 As you rise into the air, turn to your left shoulder and extend the ball over your head with your right hand.
• Step 5 As you release the ball, aim for the center of the closest part of the rim, arching your shot so it will drop behind the rim.

Think of it as an athletic version of the Hokey Pokey: you put your left foot out, you bring your right arm up, you toss the ball in the hoop, then you shake it all about.

What makes this shot effective is that most young players have never had to guard against it, so you'll catch your opponent flatfooted. As the ball drops through the net with a satisfying swish, you can then walk away singing: "That's what it's all about!"

38. You don't have to be an Internet wiz to have some favorite websites.

www.metacritic.com
Consolidated reviews from scads of news outlets. In case your local film critic is a hack.

www.gaspricewatch.com
Find the cheapest gas near you.

www.snopes.com
An urban legend debunker to help you check the veracity of those "Chicken-boy found in cave!" e-mail forwards.

www.seatguru.com
Does your plane seat have extra legroom and a power port, or just an overly chummy proximity to the john?

www.wikipedia.org
A citizen-written encyclopedia, replete with entries you'll never find in Britannica.

www.dealcatcher.com
Run by folks with nothing better to do than scour the Internet for sales. Bless them.

39. Make Peace With Your Parents

If the population scientists are right and life expectancies continue to rise, we'll soon see an unprecedented demographic pileup, a strange passage of late adulthood in which everyone in their 60s still has living parents. Expect some awkwardness: millennia of evolution have failed to equip either generation for such an extended voyage. How, for example, should you define caregiving roles when you and Dad both need hip replacements? Or gracefully accept unsolicited motherly advice on your grandparenting skills? The bonus time you have with your parents will be much more pleasant if you remember the following:

Your parents won't change. The dynamics of the parent-offspring relationship are hard-wired during adolescence. Even if scientists keep your mother alive for 300 years, she will never stop commenting on your hair, or lack thereof. She may surprise you in other ways—she might learn how to download ring tones or eat cilantro or blog. But the big things, those are set. And that will never stop driving you crazy. A 65-year-old friend of mine likes to complain about her mother's inflexibility. Her mother is 100. "It's like she'll never change!" the woman marvels, as if it is not unreasonable to expect growth from someone born when the Great White Fleet sailed. The push and pull is as it should be. Unraveling the central riddle of existence—how did these two strange people create me?—is the job of a lifetime. The hopeless optimism that demands progress in a relationship with our parents is the same force that will cure cancer and colonize Mars. "They are what they are," we may tell ourselves. Then we pick at the lock, right up to the end. —David Dudley

40. How to Take a Fall
(Hulk Hogan)

Hold your breath.

41. Law of Pain Medicine
When the doc asks how bad it hurts on a scale of 1 to 10, say 8.

42. How to Stay Married

For pragmatists: Agree never to speak the word divorce, ever.
For poets: Pretend your relationship is a road trip. Your wedding was the Holland Tunnel. Your life is the New Jersey Turnpike. Death is Philadelphia. Pretend there are no exits, only rest stops.

43. Make Friends Offer to drive people to the airport.

44. Score a Day Off

Claim back pain. It's an easy injury to get medical documentation for, says Joe L., a workers' comp exec. "There's a 70 percent chance an MRI will show something wrong in your lower back, even if you feel fine."

45. Tell a Joke
(Art Linkletter)

Start by saying, "There's this marvelous joke I just heard Bill Cosby do." Bill Cosby didn't do it, of course—it's your joke. But you say it was Bill because if it doesn't get a laugh, now it's Bill's problem. Everyone just says, "I guess Bill Cosby isn't funny."

46. Smoking is bad. Still.

47. How to Be Afraid

Remember, fear is human. When smoke fills the cabin, you don't want the pilot to say "Passengers, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Sorry, FDR.

48. Divide Heirlooms Without a Will

1. Take back what you bought. Ernie gets the earrings he gave Mom, etc.
2. Claim small things room by room; draw straws to determine picking order.
3. Use sealed bids for big-ticket items: write the highest cash price you'll pay.
4. Make a detailed will today. Unless you hate your kids.

49. Have "The Driving Talk"

Be kind. Be specific ("Mom, I saw you received two traffic tickets this month"). Be motivated by concern for her safety. Be reassuring: she'll still get where she needs to go. Be willing to listen when your kids have the talk with you.

50. If someone says "Smell this," don't.

Thanks to Todd Albertson, Jean-Noel Bassior, Denis Boyles, Nicole Flores, Ron Geraci, Monica Hesse, and AARP The Magazine editors.

Related video: Editor Steven Slon hits the streets to ask "What does it mean to be a grownup?"

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