Photo by Darren Braun
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50 Things You Need to Know by 50
By Kirk Douglas, Donald Trump, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Suze Orman, Henry Winkler, Kathy Ireland, Al Roker, Wolf Blitzer, Engelbert Humperdinck…and more, July & August 2007
A stick-in-your-pocket cheat sheet on sex, food, death, money, work, grandkids…and how to find your keys
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1. How to Have Great Sex After 30 Years of Marriage
(Sue Johanson, Talk Sex)
Talk about cellulite. Talk about wrinkles. Ignoring changes in your body won't make them go away.
Dress up like Tarzan. Or a nurse. No one else will know.
Guess what? Many older couples don't like penetration. Luckily it's not the only way to have fun.
Do the dishes naked.
Waiting until you're in the mood is baloney. Try going along with your partner when you don't feel like it. You might be surprised.
Take a vacation. It's amazing what happens in Nassau.
2. How to Forgive
(George Takei, Star Trek, Heroes)
I grew up in U.S. internment camps during World War II. We were surrounded by barbed wire fences and machine guns. We took communal showers and meals, and a searchlight followed us on night runs to the latrine. After the war my mother and father couldn't find housing, and I had a teacher who called me "little Jap boy." That stung. But my parents taught me that being bitter only pickles the one that stews in the brine. Good advice. The bullies were the ones stewing in their own spite and ignorance. Once you realize that those who hurt you also hurt themselves, it is easier to forgive them. And that's liberating.
3. Law of the Olive Garden
The waitress is not hitting on you. Being friendly is her job.
4. No matter how many times you bring your mitt to the game, the manager will never gaze out into the stands, land his eyes on you, and say, "Hey, how about that guy?"
5. Save Money
(Suze Orman)
The easiest way to save money is to raise your FICO score, which determines how much interest you pay on everything from credit cards to mortgages. If you could raise your score from 500 to 760, for example, you'd save $78 a month on car payments for a $20,000 vehicle. So how do you do that? Thirty percent of your FICO score is your debt-to-credit-limit ratio. If you can't pay off your credit card, request an increase in your limit—but promise that you won't actually use the extra credit. The other thing you can do (and FICO hates when I share this tip, but it works) is to have a relative with a high score add your name as an authorized user to his or her cards. Your relative doesn't actually have to give you a card in order to do this. This will help your score, without lowering your loved one's.
6. How to Lose Weight (Eat. Less.)
7. Look Like You've Lost Weight
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Grow your sideburns 1/2 inch longer.
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Style your hair 1/4 inch higher than normal to make your face seem thinner.
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Wear rectangular-framed glasses.
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Choose a three-button suit, instead of a two-.
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Remember the basics: vertical stripes.
8. Find the Bathroom in Five Languages
Spanish: ¿Dónde está el baño?
French: Où sont les toilettes?
Japanese: Toire wa doko desu ka?
Swahili: Choo kiko wapi?
Klingon: nuqDaq 'oH puchpa' 'e'?
9. Find Your Keys
(Michael Solomon, findologist)
Do you usually put your keys on your desk, then grab a snack? Look for the keys in the pantry. See, life is full of routine motions; items get lost when wires get crossed. To stay on target while you search, repeat (out loud) "keys, keys, keys." If all else fails, look in your car. Cars are Bermuda Triangles for lost stuff.
10. How to Speak in Public
(Johnny Uy, president of Toastmasters International)
- Visualize. It's easier to do something if you've done it before. Imagine the toast going well, and by the time you get to the podium, you're actually giving your spiel a second time.
- Be genuine. You're funny? Great. But if you're not, don't force it. Concentrate on your strengths. Tell a touching anecdote—those can often work better than wisecracks anyway.
- The "picture the audience naked" thing? Doesn't work.
11. We're all really, really small, in the grand scheme of things.
12. How to Die
The point of the party is not your leaving it. Apologize for any breakage, thank your hosts, listen when they say they were glad you could come, mean it when you say you had a wonderful time, then grab your coat and go. Make sure the door closes behind you. Don't forget your hat.
13. Fire Someone
(Donald Trump)
Whether you're supernice or just plain blunt, the result is always the same: the person has been fired, and they're going to hate your guts. Time might lessen the impact, but initially they aren't going to take kindly to your trying to make it seem okay, because it's not okay by them. So just be honest and let everyone move on.
14. Sing in Public
(Engelbert Humperdinck)
In karaoke the most important thing is to pick a song by someone you really admire, and take the best of that person while giving the song the best of you. If you are not a singer but want to be part of the fun, pick a cheeky song and act silly. If you can't even catch a melody, let alone carry one, just speak the lyrics. Pretend you are Richard Harris.
15. How to Give a Compliment (Sincerely.)
16. How to Take a Compliment
(Kathy Ireland)
A compliment is a gift. It's not relevant that you may not agree with the giver's opinion of you. In some ways the compliment is not even about you; it's about the fact that someone else cared enough to think of you and to share his or her thoughts in a positive way. So the best way to handle one? With a heartfelt "thank you."
17. Ask for a Date
(Isaac Hayes)
Start by using the code flirting phrase "I think I've seen you before." If she says yes, take her to the best restaurant you know. If she says no, you can try to change her mind, but don't push it. And always remember to be a gentleman.
18. A Recipe to Wow and Amaze Your Friends
(Masaharu Morimoto, Iron Chef and owner of Morimoto, in Philadelphia)
King crab is a favorite with guests. Offer small servings as an appetizer, or one leg per person as an indulgence.
1 cup mayonnaise
2 tablespoons Chinese chili bean paste (tobanjan)
1 tablespoon sesame oil
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 tablespoon lime juice
2 tablespoons tobiko caviar
4 pounds king crab legs
3 tablespoons chopped cilantro, for garnish
- Combine the mayonnaise, tobanjan, sesame oil, lemon juice, and lime juice in a small bowl. Blend well, then cover and refrigerate for up to 2 days, until ready to use. Stir in the tobiko caviar just before you cook the crab legs.
- Cut each crab leg into 4 portions. Using kitchen scissors, cut off the top half of the shell of each section to expose the meat.
- Position the broiler rack about 6 inches from the heat and preheat the broiler. Arrange the crab legs, meat side up, on a baking sheet. Broil until the crab begins to color, about 2 to 3 minutes.
- Remove the crab from the oven and coat the meat with the mayonnaise
mixture. Return the crab to the broiler and broil until the mayonnaise is golden brown and bubbling, about 1½ minutes.
- Arrange the crab legs on a nice platter and garnish them with a sprinkling of fresh cilantro.
19. Law of Host Gifts
The $25 wine won't impress them any more than the $10 wine.
20. You are not going to win the lottery.
21. How to Grieve
"After the first death, there is no other," wrote Dylan Thomas. That doesn't mean the ones that come after won't break your heart, but it's the first that punches your soul's passport. Welcome, fellow human, to a different country than the one you woke up to this morning. The air's different here; so is the scenery. Your knees don't work so well; in fact, you may want to fall to them.
For a precious little while, you are allowed to be stunned into silence, or to shriek, or to talk—recounting stories of who he was, what she meant to you, and how it all came to an end. Tell those stories. Some people may try to enforce "The Rules," to wit: Enough of This Drama Is Enough. Ignore them. Besides, if you treat yourself gently and take the time you need, someday soon you'll hear the faint but steady voice of your own good sense. Play music you love, sit in the sunshine if you can find some, and if anyone offers you a hand, hold it. Let them feed the cat, too, because they want to be useful. If your good sense does not kick in on its own, help it along: scramble some eggs. It will feel strange at first. But if you pretend that scrambling eggs is normal, eventually it will become normal. Soon you can squeeze some orange juice, too.
For some of us the stay in this new country seems endless. But time passes, seasons change, and, truly, would those we grieve for want us to mope? Come with me, back into the world. We'll return to this land someday, all too soon, but in the meantime the garden needs weeding, the bills need paying. Your other loved ones need you. And you, my sweet friend, you could use a shampoo. —Larkin Warren
22. How to Get a Law Passed
Representative Robert E. Andrews of New Jersey estimates he's been asked to sponsor some 10,000 bills by constituents. If you want yours at the top of the stack, Andrews suggests this game plan.
- Don't waste your congressperson's time whining about what's broken. Your law should propose a way to fix it.
- Become a special-interest group. Want a law making bike helmets mandatory? Maybe there's a helmet company that would love that law. Creative allegiances are key.
- Bury the hatchet. You'll need support from both parties for your bill to have any chance.
- Get on a moving train. Attach your idea to a bill that's already in the pipeline. Find active legislation at www.house.gov.
23. What to Do if You Get a Letter From the IRS
(Henry Bloch, cofounder of H&R Block)
First, figure out why you're being audited. A lot of the time the IRS won't mention the reason—but you have the right to know. So call them, or have your tax preparer call them. They probably want to go over a portion of your return, such as your charitable deductions. Next, prepare by gathering all of your related paperwork. Remember, dealing with the IRS is the opposite of normal law. Usually you're innocent until proven guilty. The IRS assumes something is taxable; you have to prove it's not. Be courteous, answer any questions, but don't volunteer information.
24. Deliver Bad News
(Maureen Killackey, M.D., oncologist, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, New York City)
- Do it in private. And don't wedge it in between your lunch date and your yoga class. Nothing hurts worse than "Now that I've broken your heart, gotta run!" Making yourself available will reassure the other person that you care about his or her feelings.
- Go slowly. When people are in shock, they don't process information well. Pause between bombshells to ask "Are you understanding what I'm saying?"
- The six worst words to use in this situation are "I know just how you feel." Better: "I can't imagine how this feels."
- Develop a plan. Action steps are important to helping the other person realize there is a way to deal with a difficult situation.
25. Law of Jimmy Page
The likelihood of hearing Led Zeppelin on a classic-rock station is proportional to the lateness of the hour. (Steve Miller Band is inversely proportional.)
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