Illustration by Salvatore Rubbino
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Love in a Time of Diabetes
By Melissa Gotthardt, May & June 2007
When it comes to helping your spouse live with the disease, the sweeter you are, the better
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If your loved one has been diagnosed with diabetes and the vibe in the house is getting just a tad tense, don’t fret. Living with a diabetic can test the mettle of the most committed soul mate, what with all those new rules on what to eat, how to exercise, and when to do those glucose tests. But research has found that you can give the diabetic in your life a huge leg up simply by being supportive. How to get there (and rack up a load of Brownie points, too)? Here’s a step-by-step guide.
Lend an ear
Diabetes is scary. “In addition to basic fears about deteriorating health, patients have to face fears about their independence, since they’re dealing with the possibility of complications such as eye problems that can lead to blindness, and neuropathies that can lead to amputations,” explains Paula Trief, Ph.D., a psychologist specializing in diabetes issues at Upstate Medical University in Syracuse, New York. Diabetes doesn’t have to mean unhappy endings, though, and you should reassure your partner of that. “Sit down and have a conversation about how you’re both feeling,” urges Trief. Make sure your spouse knows you’re committed for the long haul, but “don’t be afraid to admit the situation is scary for you, too,” she says. “Doing so shows your partner you’re in this thing together and helps pull him or her out of the ‘This is my thing, not your thing’ mindset that’s unfair to you and unproductive for you both.”
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Get smart
How did you feel about biology class? That’s what we thought—but get over it. Here’s why: If you study up about diabetes, your spouse scores big. One study at Chicago’s University of Health Sciences found that patients 65 and over showed improvements in glucose control once their partners understood more about the disease. Where to start? Join those chats your spouse and the doctor have about glucose testing, diet, and exercise. Then speak to a diabetes educator—often a registered nurse or a dietitian trained to teach about the disease. These educators, usually found at hospitals and larger medical practices, view diabetes as a family affair, and they know how to address the concerns.
Avoid the lecture
Okay, so your loved one has a lot of daily to-dos, and you want to help. Experts advise you to rein in your urge to lecture or ask a laundry list of questions every day. Did you check your glucose? Take your meds? Eat this, not that? Exercise yet? This kind of nagging, says Trief, can create stress. And research conducted at Loyola College in Baltimore suggests stress can raise blood sugar levels. Nagging can also sap your partner’s enthusiasm for sticking with treatment regimens, says Trief. So put pride aside, she advises, and “go after your real goal by asking what you can do differently to help.”
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Set the table
Ah, the right food. For the diabetic it’s the key to what matters most: glucose control. But embracing a three-bean salad over, say, a three-layer chocolate cake can take the discipline of a Gandhi—which is why patients say spousal support in this area is so important. Beware, though: “Help” doesn’t mean feeding your partner foods you yourself wouldn’t touch. To really make a difference, advises Lynne Brown, Ph.D., an associate professor of food science at Pennsylvania State University, identify unhealthy foods that tempt your spouse the most, then “make an agreement to keep them out of the house.” But don’t become the martyr—most of us can stand to drop some sugar and fat from our daily regimen. “There’s really no ‘diabetes diet’ anymore,” says Trief. “The overall eating plan is the low-fat, low-carb, healthy way we should all be eating anyway.”
Plant a garden
Diabetes isn’t synonymous with drudgery, so help your spouse get up and get out, the experts say. “Things like getting more exercise may be doctor-prescribed, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make them fun,” says Mark Beers, M.D., editor emeritus of The Merck Manuals. Join your partner in a daily walk or an activity you can both enjoy; make forays to the grocery store to scope out exotic, low-fat foods; experiment with yummy recipes; or plant a vegetable garden together. And by all means, celebrate successes, says Brown: “One thing that’s come out of our research is that people who have diabetes like to be acknowledged for making strides, so look for things that warrant positive reinforcement.” That doesn’t mean throwing a barn dance after every voluntary glucose check. But if your partner has hit his or her daily glucose goals for a few months, mark the milestone with a movie, a concert, a day trip, or a comedy-club show. And have a blast when a big anniversary comes around. “Ultimately, diabetes is no different from any other challenge you’ve faced,” says Trief, “and appreciation for each other is what helps get you through.”
Need Extra Help?
- If your spouse is on Medicare, he or she is covered for ten hours of “diabetes self-management training” in the first year of a diagnosis, and for two hours annually afterward. Medicare also covers up to two screenings a year.
- To find a diabetes educator in your area, contact the American Association of Diabetes Educators (800-338-3633).
- For general information about treatment and prevention, try the American Diabetes Association (800-342-2383).
Melissa Gotthardt is a regular contributor to AARP The Magazine.
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