Photo by Edward Biamonte
|
Happily Ever Laughter
By Yakov Smirnoff, September & October 2008
Reining in an "all-about-me" spouse
|
Q: My husband doesn’t consider my feelings, yet I come out as the “bad guy.” Sure, he’ll bring home dinner—from his favorite Chinese restaurant, and he knows I can’t stand Chinese food! He planned a second honeymoon to Mexico—but failed to mention he was in a golf tournament. I followed him around a golf course for three days. When I told him how inconsiderate that was, he said I was ungrateful. Am I being unreasonable? —Afterthought
A: Look at the bright side: It may be harder to find Chinese food in Mexico.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable, and you are not the “bad guy” in this relationship. Although it may appear to you that your husband is trying to please two people—him and himself—he might not be as bad as you think, either.
It seems as if he has several hidden agendas. He may be disguising his own desire for something he denies for himself—yet can enjoy by giving it to you. It’s like one man I know who gave his wife an electric drill for Valentine’s Day. In return, she used it to give him a frontal lobotomy. They’re happy now.
Joke
A woman told me that when she got married, she told her husband she wanted a fur coat. Her husband got her a mousetrap. He said, "It's a starter kit."
Your husband probably actually believes he is being generous and considerate. It’s possible that past experiences have taught him it’s not safe to be direct and ask for what he wants. Perhaps when he was a kid, he wanted a bike for Christmas and his parents got him a unicycle instead.
Ironically, sometimes hidden agendas are invisible only to the person who has the agendas in the first place. My advice to you is to help your husband recognize his unintentional behavior in a loving way. I’d recommend a think/feel dialogue: “Honey, I’m concerned we’ll spend most of our time on the golf course in Mexico. What do you think we could do to ensure that we both have a fabulous time?” Then you can discuss this topic openly and without criticism or judgment. Hidden agendas are like monsters under the bed. Shining a light on them makes them disappear.
I would ask your husband to recognize that it’s perfectly fine to enjoy his own personal time and activities without masking them with ulterior motives. Maybe he can bring moo goo gai pan for himself, fettuccine Alfredo for you, and you can split the fortune cookie.
Finally, if your husband turns out to be simply a truly selfish man, maybe it is time to give him a taste of his own medicine by putting yourself first: next Super Bowl Sunday, invite some girlfriends over for a Tupperware party. That should get his attention!
Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, who performs at his own theater in Branson, Missouri, has a master’s degree in applied positive psychology and teaches at Missouri State University. Visit his website at www.yakov.com.
|
