Photo by Edward Biamonte
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Happily Ever Laughter
By Yakov Smirnoff, November & December 2007
What to do when there's a freeloader in the family
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Q: Our 33-year-old son has five children, ages seven months to seven years. He lives with them, their mother, and her 19-year-old brother in a house my husband and I own in another state. We pay the mortgage, tax, and insurance. I have asked him many times to pay something, but he won’t. This isn’t about the money—we’re doing fine financially—but he won’t even let us visit. What can I do? —Lost Landlady
A: It’s a sad situation, but the comedian in me would like to find a way for you two to be in the same room and laugh (and I don’t mean in a room with padded walls).
A lot of times when we want something from another person, that could be the very thing they need as well. For example, if you want someone to be friendly, you need to be a friend to them. So, maybe your main beef isn’t really about your son’s not paying rent. Here’s a quick quiz: What words from your son would make you really happy? Phrase #1: “Here is your rent.” Or phrase #2: “Mom, I really miss you.” Your answer will give you a clue as to what your real desire is. If you picked the second answer, write a letter to your son and share your feelings with him. (If you picked the first one, I have an apartment complex I’d like you to manage.) By recognizing what you want, you may finally give him what he needs.
Of course if your needs (love and respect) still conflict with his needs (a place to freeload), your son may be in need of some tough love. This may be a free country, but there’s no free rent. As kindly as you can, tell him that if he doesn’t comply, you’ll notify the authorities that he’s trespassing. Let him choose what he wants: eviction or conviction. He may not show respect for you, but he may learn respect for the law, courtesy of his cellmate, Bubba.
Q: During Thanksgiving dinner ten years ago my brother made a mean remark about my weight. Now every time I see him, the pain of his remark comes back. How can I let go? —Still Hurting
A: Many times we select someone whom we cast as a villain—someone who by hurting us teaches us valuable life lessons. Then we get mad because they teach us too well. It’s like when we get mad because a politician lies. Isn’t that how he got elected in the first place? Words can hurt, but in this case you can focus either on the pain or on the lesson you can learn: the wonderful lesson of forgiveness. Share your feelings with your brother. He will most likely apologize, as he has before. But this time, consciously seize that precise moment to let go of your pain by choosing to forgive—healing not only the wound you have been carrying but also your relationship with your brother. This year laughter will be heard again at Thanksgiving dinner, and the only victim at the table will be the turkey.
Q: Why do men refuse to ask for directions until the woman starts to cry? —Nervous Passenger
A: It may be from thousands of years of evolution: a man’s primal fear is to be unable to care for, protect, and provide for his family.
To women it’s nuts, but men think it’s crazy for a woman to pour hot wax on her leg, rip out the hairs by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.
Yakov Smirnoff, known to millions for his TV, film, and stage appearances, earned his master’s degree in applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. He conducts “Love and Laughter” seminars nationwide and at his theater in Branson, Missouri.
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