Photo by Edward Biamonte
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Happily Ever Laughter
By Yakov Smirnoff, April & May 2009
My bratty grandkids
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Q: Since my daughter's recent divorce, my wife and I help out by baby-sitting her three children every day after school. But they don't listen to a word I say! I was raised by a strict father who believed in the value of old-school discipline: some stern verbal correction and consequences. In this case, we ground the children or ban their video games when they act up. Like my father, I believe children need to respect their elders. What can I do?—Talking to the Wall
A: Let me first say that I admire your willingness to help your daughter with this challenging and all-too-common situation. I also applaud your efforts to help shape these young lives so they have a better chance of becoming responsible adults. Clearly, you don't want them to end up on The Jerry Springer Show. But I would encourage you to change your tactics. Remember: The kids won't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
By concentrating first and foremost on discipline—important as it is—you may be missing out on the many benefits that come with being a grandfather. I'm willing to bet there is a part of you that longs to wrestle on the floor, to teach your grandkids to burp the alphabet, and to tell knock-knock jokes until milk squirts out of their noses.
Joke
My rowdy grandson broke our neighbor's lamp when he went to her house to play. He said, "Don't worry, Grandpa. We don't have to buy her a new one. She said it was irreplaceable."
If you try shifting your focus from your head to your heart, you may see a big difference in their behavior. Kids want to be taught right from wrong, so long as they know the lessons come from a loving place.
These kids have been through a divorce. They may have anger they don't know how to express. Don't be afraid to ask them what they are feeling. There are times when discipline is the only appropriate response, but keep in mind that rewards are more effective than discipline when it comes to encouraging good behavior. If they eat their dinner, give them a special dessert. If instead they decide it's more fun to throw their carrots at the dog—or, even worse, at you—tell them "No dessert" (and mean it). Or make them watch C-SPAN.
I know you want your grandchildren to embrace your philosophy. But what they really want is a reason to embrace you. Besides correcting, make time for connecting. After all, a grandfather is a man with silver in his hair, gold in his heart, and jellybeans in his pocket.
Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, who performs at his own theater in Branson, Missouri, has a master’s degree in applied positive psychology and teaches at Missouri State University. Visit his website at www.yakov.com.
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