Photo by Edward Biamonte
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Happily Ever Laughter
By Yakov Smirnoff, July & August 2008
Dealing with latecomers to family gatherings—the easy way
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Q: What can I do about my husband’s sister? Every time we have a family get-together—a holiday, a birthday, whatever—we can count on her to be late. And I don’t mean fashionably tardy, like 15 or 30 minutes; I’m talking 2 or 3 hours late! Last Christmas we waited so long that my roasted pork loin was ruined. This situation has become intolerable. Any suggestions? —Toasted Hostess
A: Next time you might consider serving ham. It is just as good eaten cold.
When you choose to host a get- together, you are, in fact, putting on a show, in which you are the performer and your guests are the audience. And as with any great performance, you might expect a round of applause from those you entertained. My guess is that even though she is not present, your sister-in-law is “stealing the show”—and she knows it.
When your sister-in-law is late, the conversation is about her. “I wonder why she is late.” “I hope she is okay.” “Did she stop off for liposuction?” That’s what she’s secretly hoping for.
We all are familiar with this type of person, who seeks attention by constantly creating a roller coaster of crises. These folks continually experience hypochondria, invent drama at work, and generate chaos in their relationships. The stress they cause may be absolutely unnecessary, but it guarantees that the focus is always on them. The challenge comes when they insist that you join them on their crazy ride. So before drowning your sorrows in Pepto-Bismol, you need to take back center stage by setting up boundaries.
While you can’t change your sister-in-law, you can turn this situation around. Set some boundaries for everyone attending your parties. I suggest that, when you plan your next one, you let everyone know what time dinner will be served and stick to your agenda. After all, the majority of people are respecting your wishes, and they are in your home, on time, drooling over your pork loin. What a great photo op!
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And, best of all, you’ll have drawn an internal boundary of your own: you’ll have ended your habit of seeing Sis’s thoughtlessness as a personal offense and instead have started seeing it as a chance to develop a positive response.
When your sister-in-law does arrive, invite her to fix herself a plate of leftovers, and make no mention of her tardiness. There is no point in rewarding rude behavior. You are the hostess, and that makes you the star of this show.
So enjoy your family, and save me a piece of pie!
And remember, family get-togethers are not about the food on the table but the about the people around the table.
Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, who performs at his own theater in Branson, Missouri, has a master’s degree in positive psychology and teaches at Missouri State University. Visit his website at www.yakov.com.
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