Illustrations by David M. Brinl
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Setting Limits: Just How Much Should We Do for Our Parents?
By Dale Atkins, May & June 2005
A noted family psychologist tells how to strike the right balance between doing too much for your parents—and not doing enough
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DO Separate Needs From Wants
There's a chasm of difference between a crucial need parents may have
(food, clothing, shelter, and basic kindness) and something they want (two-hour
visits every day, your kids to be quiet at the table, a bigger condo in Boca
Raton). One of my clients developed a stock answer when her father called from
the nursing home to tell her he "needed" expensive cigars and
single-malt scotch. "Dad, do you have any requests that don't require
me to bring things that are bad for you?"
DO Face Your Fears
Parents' demands can trigger elemental fears—the looming specter of
their mortality, the scary knowledge that a parent's decline brings us a
step closer to our own old age. But only by facing fears can we defuse them and
put ourselves back in control.
A client's mother was a well-known academic reaching 80 and blind. The
client found herself shutting down emotionally.
One night she simply came out with it: "Mom, the truth is that I'm
accustomed to you being the rock in my life and I get scared that you
aren't that right now." Her mother was relieved. Now she knew why her
daughter had been so cold. Best of all, the admission helped the mother regain
some sense of independence and personal value.
DO Pack Your "Baggage"
Often parents' demands create extreme feelings of guilt about the times
we've hurt them—and resentment about the times they've returned
the favor.
Jeremy, a photographer, resented the nightly calls from his father, a
retired stockbroker in his late 70s who wanted his son to know all the moves he
had made that day in his own small investment portfolio.
Jeremy angrily interpreted this as distrust because he had been
irresponsible until he turned 30. But as the family's therapist, I
discovered that the reason the father called was simply to connect with his
son. When the son realized he had misinterpreted his father's intentions,
he was able to enjoy the calls.
DO Say No—but Gently
It's not easy—especially when we're faced with a request
we're not prepared to argue against. It can even take practice:
Enlist a spouse or friend to act out a scenario in which your parents make
an unreasonable demand. Write dialogue out in advance, supplying your helper
with a list of your parents' usual defenses. Formulate responses to all
their potential harangues. Example: "Dad, I know how much your freedom and
mobility mean to you, and I'll try to be as available as possible to take
you places, but I cannot allow you to drive anymore."
DO Make Fun a Priority
Many people mistake quantity for quality when it comes to spending time with
their parents. I would argue that it's better to spend less time with them
and make sure those hours are truly satisfying. Plan activities that will bring
you together as human beings. If possible, hire caregivers for routine chores;
save your own time and energy for more meaningful interactions. Join a book
club with your mom, escort your father to an exhibit of Civil War memorabilia.
If they are not able to get up and about, find audiobooks that you can listen
to together.
DON'T Settle Old Scores
No matter how neglectful or cruel your parents were when you were a child,
their dotage is not the time for payback. Showing them compassion and respect,
whether or not you feel they deserve it, is a mark of adulthood and depth of
character. Example: "Dad, I still find you frustratingly unable to show me
the love you say you have for me, but I'm going to hug you when I see you
because you mean a lot to me, regardless."
DON'T Let Others Set the Agenda
If your friend cocks an eyebrow at the news that you're bringing Mom home
(or moving her out), try this mantra: "No one else's judgment
matters." Trust your instincts. Only you know how much you can
take—and give. If the busybodies don't come around, maybe you should
find more empathetic friends.
DON'T Treat Them Like Babies
Too many people believe the cliché that parent-child roles are automatically
reversed as our parents age. I strongly disagree. Caregiving should not be
confused with parenting; preserving your parents' independence and dignity
is perhaps the most important job you will have at this stage in their lives. A
great way to break this cycle is to figure out something they can do for
others—it could be as simple as helping your kids do their
homework—and thus give new purpose to their lives.
DON'T Shirk Your Share of the Work
Family dynamics tend to build to a fever pitch when the care of an aging parent
is involved. While it's true that some siblings may be more suited to the
task than you, don't assume they are okay with the situation. Ask them
periodically how they feel about it. And remember, there is plenty you can do
from afar—researching a medical procedure on the Internet, subsidizing
home care, and sending care packages.
DON'T Mistake Money for Caring
People who confuse the two often come from families in which money was a
defining issue. Nobody is too old to change, and it is likely that even those
parents who seemingly valued money above all else will appreciate outward
expressions of love. One man thought he was caring for his mom by having his
assistant figure her taxes. But what she really needed, more than tax
expertise, was personal contact with her son.
Psychologist Dale Atkins is the author of I'm OK, You're My
Parents (Henry Holt and Company, 2004).
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