Illustration by Stefano Vitale
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Gift of a Lifetime
By Carolyn See, September & October 2004
Increasingly popular, ethical wills are a way to bequeath your values along with your valuables
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Before her mother died last year, Maureen Evans hastily began writing down
the stories she told her about her life. "I captured something that
otherwise would have been lost," says Evans, who works for a nonprofit in
public education advocacy in Washington, D.C. Inspired, she began to write down
her own stories for her four children and any grandchildren she may have.
"I wanted to make sure that they didn't get lost in the chaos of
day-to-day life," she says.
Her ultimate goal, however, was not simply to recount facts and events in a
personal history. Instead, Evans, 42, pursued a loftier purpose: to pass on her
values by creating what is known as an ethical will, a nonlegal document that
typically imparts beliefs, lessons learned in life, and hopes and wishes for
loved ones. "My money is important," she says, "but it isn't
the be-all, end-all of what I want to give my kids."
Evans is far from alone in her wish to leave something more personal than a
plump IRA. More and more people are recognizing the value of bequeathing loved
ones the most precious memories and lessons of a lifetime. Count among them
President Bill Clinton, who recently advised a crowd of booksellers in Chicago,
"I really think that anyone who's fortunate enough to live to be 50
years old should take some time, even if it's just a couple of weekends, to
sit down and write the story of your life, even if it's only 20 pages, and
even if it's only for your children and your grandchildren."
Indeed, the idea of bequeathing your values along with your valuables has so
resonated with people that a mini-industry is springing up around the idea.
Professional writers will assist you in penning an ethical will—which may
range in length from a few paragraphs to a lengthy tome—and videographers
will film you reading it. Retailers sell padded leather albums, with silk
lining and acid-free paper, in which to store whatever legacy it is you wish to
leave. There are even therapists who specialize in helping you work through any
emotional issues involved in creating such a will.
The concept is also energizing—and injecting heart into—the
estate-planning field. Barry Baines, M.D., author of Ethical Wills: Putting
Your Values on Paper and creator of www.ethicalwill.com, says that at the
seminars he offers on the subject, one of his largest audiences is
financial-planning professionals.
"It's a way to personalize the whole end-of-life planning
process," says Kenneth Wheeler, a lawyer in Winter Park, Florida, who has
incorporated ethical wills into his practice.
Ethical Wills: Where to Find Help
If you're still not sure what to put in your ethical will, or want
professional help with it, the following websites may be worth a visit:
yourethicalwill.com
Susan
Turnbull, a former journalist and professional writer of ethical wills, will
pen your ethical will for you. Her price: $1,000 for a basic outline—more
if you want her to write the entire document.
personalhistorians.org
Use
the website of the Association of Personal Historians to search for a pro near
you who specializes in ethical wills.
But ethical wills are nothing new. The tradition of passing on beliefs,
blessings, and advice to the next generation can be traced to biblical times.
The earliest ethical wills were delivered by fathers seeking to bestow
blessings and offer prophecies, as well as to leave burial instructions. In
what may be the first such bequest, in the book of Genesis, Jacob gathers his
12 sons before his death to tell stories, predict their futures, and impart
some of the wisdom of his long life.
Written ethical wills have survived from medieval times, and the themes have
changed little since, says Rabbi Jack Riemer, author of So That Your Values
Live On: Ethical Wills and How to Prepare Them. "The common issues are
ones that are eternally human—like 'Take care of your mother,'
'This is what has mattered to me,' 'This is what I believe,'
" he says.
For those approaching death, writing down their legacy of values provides a
sense of peace. "By crafting an ethical will, terminally ill patients are
ensuring that they will remain a part of the future," says Baines, the
medical director of a Minneapolis, Minnesota, home-based hospice program.
Today, with families spreading out and oral storytelling a near-extinct art,
the need to write such wills has become more urgent, even among the healthy.
Without them, "How will grandchildren know their grandparents and what
they stand for?" Riemer asks. At the same time, recent powerful reminders
of life's fragility have prompted more people to think about preparing
wills of all kinds, including ethical wills. Following the tragic events of
9/11, says Baines, traffic to his website more than doubled and has climbed
steadily since.
Often, after urging their parents to write an ethical will, boomers see the
value in making one themselves, says Baines, who sees a strong interest in
writing ethical wills among middle-age adults. Take, for example, John Haeck,
54, a certified public accountant in Lakewood, Colorado, who intends to leave
his to his two children. "I have no reason to believe that my life is
drawing to a close or that I must immediately pen my values in anticipation of
death," Haeck says. "Frankly, my interest lies in celebrating
life."
Of course, for the document to have any meaning, what you write has to
square with how you live. But your stories could still be revealing, even
surprising, to your loved ones. When Del Jones, a marketing consultant in
Tucson, Arizona, presented her ethical will to her three sons, all in their 40s
and 50s, they learned things about her that they never knew. "I think that
they weren't aware of my passion for helping the world, for serving the
community. It was also not evident to me that they shared this passion,"
Jones says. "It could still happen in their lives—hopefully prodded
by my ethical will."
Your family members aren't the only ones who may encounter something
unexpected. "You're really facing yourself and your life, what you
have done and haven't done," says Sandy Swirnoff, 65, an artist who
lives half the year in Minneapolis and the other half in La Jolla,
California.
After urging her children to pursue their dreams in her ethical will,
Swirnoff realized that she needed to go after her own, as well. Last May, the
mother of two and grandmother of one took a trip to Japan to pursue her
interest in textiles and art. "I had never been this far from home before
on a trip that was completely about my own interests," she says. "I
have always let other people's wishes and needs come first, as I think most
wives and mothers do."
The final issue to grapple with is when to give the document to your loved
ones. Although they may be too young to read it now, sharing it with them while
you are still living may be a good way to improve communication.
For Baines, presenting his own ethical will to his children six years ago
when they were teenagers was a sort of coming-out event. "When I finished
writing it, I felt an incredible peace of mind, a sense of
accomplishment," he says. "I also realized that I'd gone public
with what I think is important. It forces me to think twice and walk the
talk."
Karen Cheney has written for Money, BusinessWeek, and Outside
magazines.
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