Illustration by Polly Becker
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Family Matters: My Bitter Half
By Sue Woodman, January-February 2004
After a job loss, too much togetherness and suddenly single income can tempt a couple to call it quits
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*Names of couples have been changed
Marsha and Arnold Kramer* are negotiating space. Marsha is in the kitchen,
waiting to use the computer. It's 10 o'clock on a weekday morning, and
she has a job interview in two hours. Arnold isn't finished using his PC,
but like it or not, he'll have to make way for her.
Such small contentions may seem routine in a marriage, but in this
couple's New York home, they've become a source of friction. Arnold
decided to retire in September 2002, just a few months before Marsha, at 54,
unexpectedly lost her job as a social worker. Since then, they've been home
together every day, something they're not accustomed to. "It's a
good thing our daughter is away at college," Marsha says. "Frankly,
we're having a difficult time."
In Madison, Wisconsin, Peter McCabe, 51, has entered his second year of
unemployment, after 23 years of working for the local telephone company. He
feels resentful when his wife, Mary, talks about her work. She feels that he
watches a little too much TV for someone on a job hunt. After 25 years of
marriage, they both feel that things are more strained between them than
they've ever been before.
Among all the reverberations of losing a job, one of the most painful is the
havoc it can wreak on a marriage. More older couples are facing this challenge:
According to the Department of Labor, the unemployment level for those 55 or
older rose sharply during the recession of the last few years—from
503,000 in March 2001 to 869,000 by September 2003.
Statistics also show that older workers take longer to find new jobs than
younger employees do. Currently, workers ages 45 through 54 spend 25 weeks, on
average, looking for a new job, and those 55 through 64 search for almost 29
weeks. In comparison, younger workers in their early 30s hunt for only about 18
weeks, according to September 2003 data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor
Statistics.
The stress and fear a layoff brings to a relationship can shake loose
comfortable patterns and shift power roles. Depression, resentment, loss of
identity, envy—all these emotions can begin their corrosive effects.
But experts emphasize that couples who work through this adversity together
often emerge with a better marriage. "What makes all the difference is how
couples deal with the hardships and how they find a way to continue having a
productive life," says Jim Davis, a career coach in New Market, Tennessee.
His website, www.familycorner.net,
has helpful info on coping with job loss.
Faced with a layoff in the family? These moves can ease the strain:
> Live and Let Loaf Let's say you come home from work and find
that your partner, instead of calling headhunters and faxing
résumés, has spent the day eating chips and watching reruns.
Naturally, this might tick you off. On the flip side, your nonworking spouse
may feel pressure to account for every minute of his day. This can be a recipe
for animosity. Some downtime is deserved in a job hunt, as in any other work.
Embracing this concept will help both partners' sanity. If your
spouse's slothfulness goes on for weeks, however, you may need to air your
frustration. Saying "I'm beginning to get worried that you're
feeling discouraged" will make your point without sounding like an
indictment, advises Richard H. Price, Ph.D., at the Institute for Social
Research at the University of Michigan.
> Confront Tile Grime The bathroom is a mess, but who should clean
it—the one who's working full-time or the one who now spends most
days at home while hunting for a new job?
Best to renegotiate your chore roster before a pile of unwashed dishes sets
off an argument. Tip: Don't deal with the issue by just reassigning mop
duty, Price recommends. A sample script: "We have a new situation now, so
we have a lot of options about how we can do some of our day-to-day
things." Then offer the chores you'd prefer to tackle. By not making
demands, you won't make your spouse defensive.
> Lend a Hand Cautiously Offering to stuff and mail
résumés for an out-of-work mate may seem innocent to you, but not
if he reads your offer as hinting "Can I help you get off your
butt?"
If you want to pitch in, bring up the idea casually and make sure the
job-hunting spouse knows it's okay to refuse. An open-ended offer such as
"How can I be most helpful to you?" may get a better response than a
specific one, such as "I'd be more than happy to proofread your cover
letter to Acme Industries." The first offer puts your spouse in charge,
while the second may be interpreted as subtle nagging. "It can add to the
feelings of distress if a person feels his spouse doesn't think he can do
it alone," Price says.
Don't force it: If you want to pitch in with a
spouse's job hunt, make sure your partner knows it's okay to
refuse.
> Get Real About Money The newly unemployed tend to be in denial
about their actual prospects. Assume you'll be jobless for six months or
more, and make a plan to meet expenses, says Jerry Lublin, a psychologist in
New York who counsels couples struggling with unemployment. Cover the basics:
What are your real fixed costs? What can be cut back on? Can you negotiate with
creditors? "Action takes the edge off fear and anxiety," Lublin
says.
Importantly, don't expect those unemployment checks to tide you through
until you find a job, warns Bill Tatro, a certified financial planner in
Rochester, New York, and author of The One Hour Survival Guide for the
Downsized. This income is temporary, so keep that in mind when creating
your long-term budget.
Visiting an accountant or tax planner together, as a couple, is a good idea.
You can discuss options to stretch your savings, or even augment them, such as
by applying for a small business loan to start a consulting business (the Small Business Administration has details;
800-827-5722).
> But Keep Blowing Some Cash It may seem prudent to curtail all
pleasure spending, but feeling deprived can be a nasty source of tension.
Don't ban all splurges; cut the ones you won't miss (maybe those $3.95
cups of coffee) and scale down some others. "You don't trim costs with
a meat cleaver, you use a surgeon's scalpel," Tatro says. "If you
usually go out to dinner once a week and spend $75, maintain that enjoyable
ritual—but go to a restaurant where you can eat for $30."
Likewise, don't cancel your vacation. "If you booked a cruise
before you were laid off, maybe now you can't do that—but go to a
bed-and-breakfast instead," Lublin advises.
Scheduling weekly dates is also smart. This can help couples stay connected
during a tough time, Davis says. For example, Mary and Peter McCabe pencil in
breakfast dates at a diner. "It gets us talking about other things,"
Peter says. Seeing a movie or taking a walk together will do just as well.
> Learn a Little For many couples, despite the difficulties, this
period can be invaluable. "After a job loss is often the first time a
couple sit down and examine their entire financial situation," Tatro says.
[Check out 8 Things
That You Should Know About Your Finances as a Couple on the AARP
Bulletin's website.] It can help you think ahead to how you'll live
your life a decade or so in the future, if retirement is in your plans.
What's more, people often find that their interests take off in
unexpected directions. For example, when Peter McCabe finally stopped looking
back at the past, he started studying law and pursuing a paralegal position.
"I realized that I still had a life and that the most important thing in
it is my marriage—now more than ever," he says.
"He was a loyal employee, and he's an intelligent man," Mary
adds. "I'm proud of him, and I love him."
Sue Woodman never allows work to meddle with her happy marriage.
Now, read our web-exclusive guide to
surviving the first month following a layoff.
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