Illustrations by Serge Bloch

Bury the Hatchet By Barbara LeBey, May-June 2003 Don't let a long-standing grudge come between you and someone you love

A few years ago, Jack Stern, a college professor in Atlanta, ignored an age-old commandment: Never lend cash to a family member. His brother, Ben (both names have been changed), was broke and asked for help. Jack loaned him $1,000.

"I thought he wanted to see me just to tell me to go to hell," John says. But that wasn't the case.

"He promised to repay it within three months," says Jack. A year passed without Jack getting one dollar back. Nearing retirement, with a child in college, he grew tired of Ben's excuses. Jack finally demanded the cash.

"He wanted another month, and I told him I wasn't giving him another damn day," Jack said. Their argument resulted in the two cutting off all contact. Even their wives and children, who were close, were banned from communicating.

Dig into your own family, and you may find a similar situation: a grudge that's keeping relatives apart. Many go on for decades. As in Jack's case, a disagreement involving money—usually an inheritance or a personal loan—is one of the most common triggers. "A loan between family members puts a creditor-debtor burden on the relationship, and that's a strain," warns Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D., a psychologist in Austin, Texas, who specializes in family conflict. (His advice: When giving money to a family member, make it a gift.) More personal conflicts, such as an interracial marriage that someone refuses to accept, or a person revealing that he or she is gay, are also typical causes of lingering hostility.

Estrangements are becoming more frequent as families become more geographically scattered, says Jim Fitzgerald, Ph.D., an Atlanta psychologist. This makes it difficult for another family member to act as a peace-maker—which is how many feuds have traditionally been resolved. "People are no longer living close to extended family so someone can say, 'Hey, get over this—we're family and this is hurting all of us,' " he explains. Also, there's been an 80 percent rise in divorces since 1960, and the number of bitter splits that leave enduring anger has grown.

But grudges can be overcome. Below are several strategies to mend fences with someone once close who has dropped out of your life.

Do some digging. "In many estrangements, one or both of the family members will not know exactly what caused it in the first place," says Marjory Levitt, Ph.D., a practicing psychologist and professor at Temple University in Philadelphia. Time blurs the past, and people carry the feeling of resentment after they forget the insult. If some detective work doesn't reveal the cause and you're afraid to confront the person outright, be indirect. You might say, "I'm having a little trouble with my daughter and son-in-law similar to what I think I may have experienced with you. What am I doing that causes the people I love to pull away from me or become angry?"

Get a go-between. When tempers are hot, neither person may want to initiate contact. Both people might be thinking, "I'd like to patch this up for the sake of the family, but after what that SOB did, I'm not going to be the first one to call." But, as Indira Gandhi said, you can't shake hands with a clenched fist. An impartial relative can help heal the wound.

If the feud was caused by a fairly specific incident, you might ask this cool-headed relative to sit down with both of you and be a mediator. He or she can help you hash out the issue without getting into a screaming match.

For an old, deep-seated grudge, however, consider using a go-between as a little bird. When talking to a family member who's close to the estranged relative, subtly mention nice things about that person. Perhaps that you admire your brother Fred for being such a great father, or envy his business acumen. Your go-between will likely share these comments with the person, and that could start a thaw. Who can hate someone who's smart enough to admire him?

In the luckiest cases, a go-between will take action on her own. For example, knowing that Jack would never talk to Ben again until the $1,000 loan was repaid, Ben's wife paid Jack herself. This made Ben furious, but it took the wind out of the brothers' feud, which had lasted three years. Months later, they were speaking again.

Meet, but don't rehash. Spending time with the person will help you reconcile, but not if it ends in a blowout fight. To guard against this, consider calling the person (or ask your go-between to do it) and inviting him or her to join you for a public activity that's distracting and doesn't encourage prolonged conversations: a play, a hockey game, a craft show, a few games of billiards. Avoid discussing the incident during that meeting—you'll only arouse anger.

This strategy worked for John Butera, a lawyer in Wayne, Pennsylvania, who hadn't talked to his son, Ted, for 15 years, after a hostile divorce from Ted's mother.

Ted had spurned his peace offerings since 1983. John's second wife finally suggested that he stop asking Ted to talk and simply invite his son for a round of golf. John took the chance, and to his amazement Ted agreed.

"I thought he wanted to see me just to tell me to go to hell," John says. But that wasn't the case. They met on the greens, didn't talk about the past, and parted at the end of the day. "Ted did not say what I most wanted to hear—that he wanted to see me again soon," says John, who thought the day was a failure. But it was not. Two weeks later, Ted called and asked his father to be his partner in a golf tournament at his country club. Afterward, while stashing their clubs into their cars, Ted was finally ready. "He hugged me and said, 'Dad, I love you, and I've really missed you,' " says John.

Consider taking a bullet. If you're serious about reconciling with an irrational person, you may need to concede that you're partly at fault for the incident (even if you're not). Why would you do this? To break through the bitterness. Try a face-saving concession such as "Sometimes I overreact." This could loosen the person's defenses and prod him to apologize.

If you do bear some guilt, offer a sincere, plainly worded apology. What works: "I'm deeply sorry for what I did, I love you, and I'll do whatever I can to bring us together again."

Make an offer they can't refuse. If you have an estranged brother who's a sports nut, find him an "extra" ticket to the All-Star game. Or offer your sister a concert seat a few inches from Plácido Domingo—one you'd hate to see go unused, you might add. It's an expensive gambit, but there's a good chance you'll spend a few hours together. And that's the first step.

• Message Board: Family Grudges

Be persistent—and realistic. If you've tried to resolve the rift, and your relative won't budge, show that the grudge is one-sided. Make regular attempts to reconnect. "Send birthday cards, notes, e-mails, and make an occasional phone call so that they know you'll be there when they're ready to reenter your life," says Fitzgerald.

And when you do reconcile, don't assume your relative has changed or "learned a lesson." If you stopped talking in 1991 because he got drunk and insulted your wife, or bilked you out of half your paycheck with a sob story, the odds are good that he'll do it again (one of the many reasons Jack Stern should never reopen his billfold for his brother). You need to accept that possibility and be prepared to confront it—ideally without cutting him out of your life a second time.

Who ever said this would be easy?

Barbara LeBey is a former judge and author of Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope with Them.

Now, share your tale of a family grudge, and compare notes with other readers in our message board.