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Family Matters: Look Who’s Back!
By Laurence Roy Stains, March-April 2003
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2. Remember he's no longer in diapers. If you truly want your child to become a self-sufficient adult, treat him as such—not as an incompetent kid. If he mows the lawn, washes your car, or makes dinner, can you refrain from criticizing him as if he were 12? If she goes out for the evening, can you stop yourself from asking, "What time will you be home?" If you're reluctant to respect her independence, ask yourself why. "Some parents don't want to lose that sense of control," Goldscheider says. "If you ask kids to do something, they're going to have to do it their way, God forbid."
3. Make him pay rent. If he can't afford it, ask him to contribute to the household by cooking, food shopping, or doing some other major task. If your kid doesn't have any responsibilities, he's still in the role of a dependent child.
4. Keep tabs. The boomerang kid needs to show you consistent progress toward the goal of independence. "I'm very big on asking young adults to come up with a plan," says Mary Bold, a professor of family studies at Texas Woman's University. "If they come up with it, they're more likely to fulfill it." If they're struggling to get debt-free or save for a house, Bold thinks they should e-mail you a monthly financial progress report—yes, even if they're sitting in the next room. "It's an ongoing record," Bold says, and if the kids balk you can explain that it keeps you from becoming the "money police" and grilling them about every package they bring in the door.
5. Get Mom's okay. Interestingly, Mitchell's studies have discovered that most boomerangers have close relationships with their mothers—and this is a criterion for smooth cohabitation. Dad's relationship is a factor, but Mom has to be happy about this move, says Mitchell, or it simply won't work.
6. Don't ignore the obvious. If the child has a drug problem, deal with it right away. Any kindness you offer—and that means the bed in his old room—should be conditional upon his enrollment in a treatment program. Otherwise, you are, to use a well-worn phrase, "enabling." If the worst happens and you need to turn your child away or toss him out, get help. A local counseling agency or family center can advise you.
7. Mark the calendar. Make sure the child understands that her return is temporary. Agree on a date when you'll be helping her load a moving van. And be wary of saying "the door is always open." Few kids keep boomeranging, but those who do find less and less of a welcome each time, says Mitchell. "Multiple returners cause a strain," he notes. If you suspect your child may fall back into the nest, you can dissuade him—kindly—by saying, "I know we'd both be disappointed if that were to happen."
Fortunately, most boomerang situations are surprisingly positive. "There's a lot of reciprocity," says Mitchell. "The parents often get a lot out of it, too. They enjoy helping the child out, as long as it's temporary."
Indeed, sometimes parents get much more than they give. When Randy Swiren's father had a heart attack shortly after Randy moved in, Randy helped provide round-the-clock care during the recovery. "He was indispensable," says his mother, Corky. "I could never have managed without him."
Laurence Roy Stains has written for The Washington Post, The New York Times, and many national magazines.
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