Illustration by Katherine Streeter
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Family Matters: Look Who’s Back!
By Laurence Roy Stains, March-April 2003
He’s grown up, but he’s living in his old room again. How can you help your boomerang kid without losing your mind?
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Someday, maybe soon, Randy Swiren will be famous. True, he's already 40, but that makes him more determined. He will be an actor. No, a hot actor. Perhaps he will be Hollywood's latest sensation. If you've been nice to him, he'll invite you to his mansion.
In the meantime, he's living in his brother's old room in his parents' house, a split-level in suburban Philadelphia. He moved in three years ago, and he can't afford to move out yet. Sometimes he earns $37.50 a weekend doing local children's theater.
His parents, two retired educators in their 70s, look forward to the day when he moves out. For everybody's sake. "It's got to bother him," says his father, Julian. "We don't mind his being here, but you've got to cut the cord eventually. So we're hoping he finds success."
Randy seconds that emotion: "It's frustrating," he says of his situation. "I need to move out and have my own life," as his two older brothers did, years ago. "My goal is not to be here."
Randy Swiren is a "boomerang kid"—an adult who moved out of his parent's house but later returned. Kids like him have become a phenomenon that's global in scope and surprisingly common. Roughly one in 10 U.S. adults ages 25 to 34 are living with their parents, according to findings by the National Survey of Families and Households, as well as the U.S. Census Bureau. Current numbers could be higher: Dot-com jobs have disappeared, student debt has risen, and the cost of housing is up nearly 40 percent since 1997. And social trends indicate that the pattern will continue. "If I had to gaze into a crystal ball, I'd say it will increase," says Barbara Mitchell, a sociologist at Simon Fraser University in Vancouver, Canada, and the leading researcher of boomerang kids. "It's not the 1950s anymore."
A decade of surveys by Mitchell and her colleagues reveals this portrait of boomerangers: Most are in their 20s, although some are in their 30s or 40s. Sons are nearly twice as likely as daughters to return home (one possible reason is that grown daughters are often expected to do more housework if they move back). Boomerangers are largely single and trying to save money. The length of stay, for the vast majority, is six months to two years.
But those numbers cannot prepare you for the particular impact on your life should your grown child show up on your doorstep. In the best of scenarios, a cheerful child asks to move in for three months while she saves enough for a down payment on a home. In the worst case, your doorbell rings late one night, and there's your son with a raging drug problem.
Your life situation is a key factor in predicting how you'll react. If a boomerang kid comes home when you're ready to retire, you may resent having to put your own transition on hold while your child goes through his. If you're well beyond retirement, you may wonder: Weren't they supposed to be supporting me by now? If a child seeks financial help, you obviously have to figure out if you can afford it, but you must also be prepared for jealousy and resentment from your other grown children if you do help her.
There's a lot that can go wrong. And even though most boomerang situations don't end in disaster, a homecoming is almost never ideal. The right approach—and some prudent actions—can help prevent friction.
Rules to Live By
1. Have a sit-down. "Get out in the open what everybody's expectations are," says Frances Goldscheider, a professor of sociology at Brown University. Talk about your "house rules" (no drugs, no parties, for example). Ask whether the child expects to be a big part of the family again (as in sitting down to have dinner with you, and other rituals) or whether he plans to go his own way. Decide what you can live with and what is unacceptable (for example, her raiding the pantry but never buying groceries). You'll have to initiate this discussion, by the way.
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