Photo by Jessica Day
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Dubious Achievement Awards for 2003 Movies
By William R. Newcott and The Editors, March-April 2004
Some movies are so, um, unique that they deserve special awards all their own.
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Rhymes With "Cupid" Award
To the unknown studio executive who decided the script for The Cat in the
Hat would be just fine without bothering to work in those troublesome Dr.
Seuss rhymes.
Dustin Hoffman/Warren Beatty Award of Gratitude
To Gigli for finally making the world forget Ishtar.
Lousy-Palooza Fest
These films all released June 27-July 2: Charlie's Angels: Full
Throttle; Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines; Sinbad: Legend of
the Seven Seas; and Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde. (Do
bad flicks all have a colon?)
Most Unfortunate Marquee Pairing
Opening on March 28, 2003: Head of State and Assassination
Tango.
Cheerio Y'all
Former subjects of the Queen who laid on a Southern drawl (often with a
trowel): Albert Finney (Big Fish); Ewan McGregor (Big Fish and Down
With Love); Nicole Kidman (Cold Mountain); Michael Caine
(Secondhand Lions).
Who's Your Daddy?
Sorry, we know the 30-year gap between screen lovers Anthony Hopkins and
Nicole Kidman is an important plot line in The Human Stain, but our
stomachs are still churning.
This Screen Ain't Big Enough for Both of Us
Gene Hackman and Dustin Hoffman are allowed just one brief scene together in
Runaway Jury. Oh, yeah, it's one of the best scenes of the year.
Titles Just Begging for a Cheap Shot From Critics
Help! I'm a Fish ("Yes! I'm a flop!")…2
Fast 2 Furious ("2 Long 2 Loud")...The Core ("The
Bore")…The Matrix Reloaded ("But I wasn't loaded
enough!").
Christopher Walken 911 Award
Bad movies saved by his mere presence last year: 2 (Kangaroo Jack,
The Rundown). Previous year total: 3 (Poolhall Junkies, The
Country Bears, Julius Caesar).
Big-Impression Prize
Gods and Generals (four hours), for the permanent indentations its
audiences left on theater seats.
Graceful Aging Trophy
It Runs in the Family didn't burn up the box office, but
there's still good news for Michael Douglas: if his dad and costar Kirk is
any indicator, Mike's gonna be one handsome old guy.
Phoning It In
John Forsythe is just a voice on a speaker phone in Charlie's Angels:
Full Throttle. Yet somehow he manages to give the single most well-rounded
performance in the whole insipid film.
2004 Medal of Bravery
Mere weeks before 58-year-old Diane Keaton's hilarious nude scene in
Something's Gotta Give hit theaters, 54-year-old William H. Macy got
nekked for a sizzling love scene in The Cooler. This, we are told, is
progress.
Cwazy Wabbit Pwize
At 65, Bugs Bunny still takes a mallet to the head as well as SpongeBob
Squarepants ever will. Same goes for Daffy Duck, his 67-year-old costar in
Looney Tunes: Back in Action.
Born to the Role
We'll be sorely disappointed if we get to heaven and the real God
isn't as cool as Morgan Freeman plays him in Bruce Almighty. (Not
disappointed enough to leave, though.)
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